


The Secrets They shared

by Missmomo, YourFirstLastKiss



Category: Loki - Fandom, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: AU, College AU, Eating Disorder, F/M, M/M, angst so much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-28
Updated: 2013-03-25
Packaged: 2017-11-27 08:44:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/660034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missmomo/pseuds/Missmomo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourFirstLastKiss/pseuds/YourFirstLastKiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Little Thorki fic my best friend and I are working on in our free time!<br/>Loki had always loved his big brother but over the years that love grow in ways no one expected. Can Loki now live with Thor on campus or will his emotions get the best of him while Thor is just trying to figure out his?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My Head and My Heart are Colliding

**Author's Note:**

> Written with my best girlfriend http://figureskatinghockeygirl.tumblr.com/  
> She writes even chapter and me odd then we read over and check what each other has written :)

Chapter One  
My Head and My Heart are Colliding  
The day seemed to drag on for ever for young Loki classes all seemed to be jammed packed with length assignments that he thought would turn into homework if he didn’t hurry. But now, he was leaning his head on the wooden counter top of the old book store. Of course no one was there, other wise he wouldn’t be staring at his dull reflection coming from the shinny finish that rested on top of the wood. His legs were tired and he began to shift uncomfortably as he listened the dull ticking of the clock. Most of his days at the store seemed to be going this way now-a-days since new age books stores were popping up at every corner. He liked them himself since they always seemed to carry just what he was looking for, but at the same time, he carried a respect for the family owned book store. He had known the owners since he was young, often coming in with his mother since it wasn’t too far from the university his father was in charge of, the same university he attended.

The bell above the entrance chimed and Loki’s head shot up from the counter, his black hair resting back against his shoulder. His shoulders slumped lightly as he saw the blonde hair wander in from over the shelves. “Brother!” The male exclaimed, opening his arms wide. Loki simply sighed and leaned his elbows on the counter, it would be his brother. He had nothing against Thor coming in and seeing him while he was at work, it brightened up the usual stale mood.

The blonde was in his usual gym clothes, a red muscle shirt and baggy grey sweats, his gym bag slung over his shoulder and a towel in his hand. Loki only guessed that he was fresh from the gym which was only on the other side of the café which was nestled between the book store and the gym. The only time they saw each other when Loki had work at the same time his brother was working at the gym.

“What do you need, Thor?” the black haired male said, staring with his pale green eyes.

“Come have coffee with me.” His brother said leaning on the counter from the opposite end.  
The sudden closeness made Loki slightly anxious and with out much thought, pushed away from the counter. He couldn’t look into his brother’s eyes with out his heart skipping a beat, pain following suit. The other was still oblivious to what was right in front of him. He chose to stuff it away in the back of his head and forget the truth; he chose to move on. Maybe he was the stronger one, but Loki was never one to forget.

Granted, they were only 14 years old when it happened. Their parents had gone out for dinner while Thor and Loki stayed home to watch one of their favorite TV shows. They had been sitting quietly until the show ended and the silence began to annoy Thor. He shot up and challenged Loki to a wrestling match. Loki knew he was no match for his older brother who was already much stronger than he, but he was bored also, so he decided to at least try. Thor was the hitting type while Loki was fast and agile so it was hard for the two brothers to actually collide with one another. But when they did, Loki found himself on his back and looking up at his older brother, the blond hair cascading down tickling his nose lightly. He tried to wiggle free but only found the triumphant laugh of Thor above him. “You never learn, do you brother?” Thor said as he continued to hold the other down. Loki rolled his eyes before staring at his brother closely. He had never noticed how good looking he was until he was up close, no wonder the girls at their prep school swooned over him on a daily basis. Maybe it was his blue eyes which shined like they were made from the hope diamond itself, or maybe it was the way his nose scrunched up and covered the light freckles that graced his cheeks. Then again, he always heard the girls saying how charming he was, which Loki never understood since he always saw him to be a brute.

But what caught Loki’s emerald eyes were his brother’s lips. They were like a pale pink rose barely beginning to blossom. They contrasted nicely with his skin the more Loki concentrated on them, they were nearly perfect.

“Loki?” Thor said interrupting his thoughts, “What’s the matter?” Loki said nothing as his brother’s grip loosened lightly so that he could lean up. The younger brother stayed silent and continued to stare heavily into the other’s eyes, a strange sensation building up inside his chest. And with out a second thought, he placed a hand on the back of Thor’s head, pulling him forward and onto his own lips. It felt magical and made Loki’s body flush with heat, the happiest feeling he had felt his whole life.  
But it all ended when Thor’s hands came between them and shoved them apart. The sudden movement caught Loki off guard and fell back against the carpet, looking up to his brother once again. He had never seen his brother look so upset, so disgusted. He was wiping his lips off with the back of his hand and pacing in front his younger brother. “Why did you do that, Loki?!” He yelled as he looked down to catch the once innocent eyes turn into frightened, green orbs. He had never yelled at his younger brother so it was new to the both of them, but in his mind, Loki crossed the line.

“I-I-I just…” Loki muttered as he back up against the couch still trying to search for words. He looked down and tried focusing on the ground, as if it somehow had the answers. Thor got down on his knees and grabbed hold of Loki’s shoulders and shook him harshly. It made the younger boy shake lightly at the blonde’s sudden aggression, but he tried to hide it by looking down. But Thor curled his fingers under his chin and thrust his head up so their eyes could meet.  
“Don’t ever do that again!” He shouted before standing back up and taking a few steps back towards the hallway that lead to his room, “If you ever speak about this to anyone I’ll kill you!”

Loki knew that Thor would never hurt him and that it was just a child’s threat. But, they never spoke of it again. Even now that they are 24 years old, the memories have never left either of their lips. But the hurt still returned every time green eyes met blue. And even as Loki was deciding whether to join his brother or not for coffee, he couldn’t shake the feeling of their lips meeting and the tingle it sent down his spine. But he knew Thor was catching on just from the way he was raising a blonde eyebrow. He rubbed his palms together and nodded simply “Fine. But I can’t stay long since I’m still on the clock.” The owners weren’t there at the time so it’s not like he could go ask for a break, but he knew they wouldn’t mind. So he locked the front door and put up the sign “Be back in 15 minutes” before going next door with his brother.

“Have you heard from father lately?” Thor said once they had seated with their warm drinks. He only got a slight ding of the other’s cup hitting the table. He looked over and saw a pale hand gripping the white cup and harsh eyes glaring at him. The topic of their father was a touchy one for Loki; they were always fighting about one thing or another. Which always left Thor in the middle, struggling to keep the balance between his family. Loki hated putting his Thor in that position but its how it always turned out.  
Ignoring the question, Loki turned back to his tea sipping gently “How can you drink coffee? It’s so bitter.” His brother looked down at the dark liquid in his cup and shrugged in reply since he didn’t know how to reply. The air was thick with tension, obviously emanating from the dark haired brother. And as if to add to the awkwardness, Thor’s phone began ringing making Loki’s eyes dart down to the other’s pants pocket. The ringtone was familiar to his ears, it was her ringtone. He gave a frustrated sigh before taking another sip of his tea, “Is that Jane?” He said sharply as he set his cup down a little harder than he intended to. The woman was kind and Loki really had no reason to dislike her except for the fact that she was with his brother. She had a bright smile and a laugh that could make a rainy day seem full of sunshine. If they were alone, he thoroughly enjoyed her presence, but the second her and Thor were together, his heart melted.

Thor looked up from his phone and gave a gentle nod before answering with a smile. It made the younger man sick as he watched the blonde swoon over the call. He quickly chugged the rest of his drink before standing back up. “I have to go back. I’ll talk to you later, brother.” He didn’t wait to hear the pleas to stay; he didn’t have the heart for it at the moment.

He retreated back into book store and sat behind the counter, hugging his legs close to his chest. It felt like he had a sack of bricks weighing down on him. It was nothing new now that it was getting harder for him to ignore his feelings. But as he curled up into himself, he found it a little easier as long as he could pretend for a moment; pretend that his brother smiled the same way when he called.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Brother do you ever feel something in your heart to be true?” Thor looked at his confusion obvious in his feature but Loki continued “and it is buried so deep in there that as hard as you try to forget it it still always pops up when you have nothing more to think of? A hope that is both so beautiful it could bring envy to a field of roses and so ugly you want to punish yourself for even thinking it? And though try hard as you may you want to hold the beauty in it but wherever you turn the disgust at its ugliness hold over you until it suffocates the beauty in it? Until nothing remains of it but a pretty shell filled with self-loathing and hatred?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written with the lovely Kayla, http://figureskatinghockeygirl.tumblr.com/ :)

Chapter Two  
Only the love of a brother  
It felt as if Loki had been sitting alone behind the desk for hours lost in thought when Thor finally came in to check on him.  
“Are you okay brother?” He asks concern clearly visible on his face and slanted brow. Not stepping to close in case Loki happened to have fallen into one of his moods, though he was still weaker than his brother he was far more cunning.  
“I’m fine Thor.” Loki responds curtly giving away at his obvious pain but at this moment he could care less. Thor was standing above him looking down with nothing but care and worry though none of it mattered because it was only the care of a brother. Never would he look upon Loki the same way he looked upon Jane and Loki realized he was a fool to even hope.  
“You do not seem fine Loki; please tell me, what ails you?” Thor pleaded with Loki softly grabbing Loki’s thin hands in his own rough ones. Loki let out a sigh and tried to come up with a way out of this.  
“Brother do you ever feel something in your heart to be true?” Thor looked at his confusion obvious in his feature but Loki continued “and it is buried so deep in there that as hard as you try to forget it it still always pops up when you have nothing more to think of? A hope that is both so beautiful it could bring envy to a field of roses and so ugly you want to punish yourself for even thinking it? And though try hard as you may you want to hold the beauty in it but wherever you turn the disgust at its ugliness hold over you until it suffocates the beauty in it? Until nothing remains of it but a pretty shell filled with self-loathing and hatred?”  
Thor looked at him trying to hide the pain the rose in his chest at his brother’s words though it was in vain as Loki refused to meet his eyes after such a confession. Either way Thor promised to himself once more to be strong for his little brother. “Loki, please look at me” he said gently lifting Loki’s chin with his thick fingers “I know not of what you speak or the pain that this hope brings you for you speak in riddles but should you decide to talk more clearly you know where I’ll be.” And with that Thor was gone Loki buried deeper into himself so far that he did not hear Thor whisper “I love you brother” against the glass.  
The owner of the store came in to find Loki almost beside himself all but weeping into a book of poetry by Sylvia Plath. “That’s heart break if I’ve ever seen it boy.” The old man said gently rubbing his back “why don’t you go on home and rest, no harm closing up early today I think.”  
Loki could only smile at the man’s kindness before gathering his things and returning to the Dorm Thor and he shared on campus. Of course it would empty now that Jane had called; Thor lived with her as much as with Loki. Usually this thought tore deep into Loki but today he was thankful for it. Crawling into his bed he stared blankly at Thor’s side of the room. Soccer posters lined the wall and trophies and medals scattered across his selves and desk. Compared to Loki’s full of books and writings it was no wonder that his Brother was the loved one on campus while he retained a solitary existence. These thoughts drew him into a troubled sleep with uneasy dreams.  
It was a few months after the wrestling incident and they had more or less fallen into a normal pattern of life, or Thor had at least. Still going out every weekend with different girls staying out late with his boys at parties while Loki remained home quietly lost in the worlds presented in books to try and escape his own. It had been a particularly long night with his parents at a gala at the university and Thor only god knows where. It was the first night Loki had every pleasured himself, just as he was about to reach his climax with Thor’s name on his lips his brother barged into the room. Too shocked too move Loki could do nothing but stare at the horror and disgust written across his brother’s face as Loki emptied himself. “You are not my brother!” Thor screamed running from the room and out of the house. That was the first night Loki had cried himself to sleep.  
He busied himself all of the next day getting books on bugs and trying to identify them in the river by their house anything to escape the thought of his brother and the previous night. When he returned home that evening Thor had moved out of the room they shared into what was once their play room. While Thor and Odin worked moving furniture from room to room Friga sat down with Loki and explained that they were growing boys and soon enough they would be thankful to have their own space. Even Loki could feel the heartache written across his fair face. Friga tried to comfort him and even took him to the nearest store to pick out what color he wanted his room painted. But even the beautiful emerald green on his walls could not replace Thor.  
Loki woke from his dream with a start as a rather inebriated Thor came in, Loki was in no mood to talk to him after such a dream and hoped he would rather fall asleep in his drunken haze and mistake Loki to be asleep. No such luck. Thor quickly flopped onto Loki’s bed and drew his brother into a hard embrace. Loki swore he could drunk off the fumes on Thor’s breath. “How are you feeling my brother!” Thor said far too loudly for someone who was sitting right next to him.  
Loki pushed him off but did not answer. “Come now Loki surely you must be feeling at least a little better!” Thor said still yelling. Loki only chaffed him replying ‘Obviously not as well as you brother” before rolling over the face the wall.  
“Come now” Thor commanded “what do you mean by that?”  
“Nothing” Loki stated cooly “I would need a few drinks in me to stomach that wench of yours too.”  
“How dare you speak of Jane in such a manner!” Thor yelled lunging at Loki pinning him to the wall beside his bed. Loki never doubted that his brother would do nothing to hurt him but his was unsure in Thors current drunken state. But all of a sudden the entire mood changed as Thor looked into Loki’s eye noticing the tears seeping out despite his brother’s best efforts to conceal them.  
Slowly he let him down back onto the bed and stepped off as if nothing had happened. Slowly he turned to face Loki malice coating his eyes “You know brother if you were anyone else and said that about Jane I would kick you out but seeing as you have no friends to call your own who would pity you enough to take you in I will simply leave in your place.”  
The look that crossed Loki’s face full of heartache and pain made Thor instantly regret his words but his stubbornness refused him to take them back and he walked into the hall slamming the door. Loki could swear he heard a chocked cry behind it but he was unsure if it was his of Thors.


	3. I would Take a Whisper if that's all you had to give

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor returns to Loki but all is not well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written with the lovely Kayla http://figureskatinghockeygirl.tumblr.com/

Chapter Three

I Would Take a Whisper If That’s All You Had To Give

 

 

Of course when Loki’s eyes opened, Thor’s bed laid undisturbed. He blinked rapidly to try and make the sting disappear but only found that it made it worse. Just like the sting in his heart wasn’t going away. He knew that he had classes and that there was no way he could skip out on them, his father would be even more displeased with him then he already was. But he wanted to pull the covers back over his head and block out the sunlight, for eternity if he could. He let out a groan as he peeled himself from his mattress to get ready for the day.

 

The shower normally helped him calm down, but it didn’t this time. It only made him think of why he was so undesirable to not only Thor, but everyone. He’s never had a woman look at him like they did Thor; they always called him “reliable” and “safe.” He knew that it wasn’t his looks that drove people away. His mother used to call him a raven in the snow; one could sit and watch the sun reflect from the ebony feathers as it contrasted off the plain, white snow. He never felt that graceful but he always believed her. But as he rubbed off the steam from the mirror and looked at himself, he began to hate the face that looked back at him. He was always thin and limber as a teen but it seemed to carry into his adulthood. He had some muscle after Thor taught him a few work outs that were easy for him to do in his spare time. But he was by no means a “man’s man” like his brother.

 

He reached back and gently brushed the damp curls that gathered at his shoulders, he needed a trim. All the men in his family had long hair so it was no exception that he would too; his just seemed more tidy then the rest. But maybe that was him being too feminine. He shook his head, water droplets flying through out the room.

 

He pulled his favorite black and green stripped sweater from the closet before running from the door, scrambling to get his back pack over his shoulder and his phone from his pocket to check the time. He was on time, but he was still awaiting some call or text from Thor. He wanted to at least know that he was safe instead of in some gutter. There were a few times when Loki had to go rescue Thor from his drunken stupidity, though times like that were becoming rare. He missed having to scramble out of places because his brother was too drunk to ever count to three. But they were young then, now too old for games and bad habits.

 

Loki took his normal seat on the far left of the class room, no one ever sat there since Thor sat on the far right and everyone gravitated where he was. But today, he was not there, only Sif and the three men he hung out with. He could feel their glances directed at him every once in awhile but he didn’t show that he could feel them. He wanted to fidget but he knew that if he gave in to what they wanted, it would give them more of an excuse to annoy him.

 

But apparently they found one all on their own. When his eyes glanced up he found himself face to face with Sif, Volstagg, Hogun, and Fandral. They all had their arms crossed, each with their own glare of dissatisfaction. Loki cleared his throat and sat up straight, “How may I help you four? It’s a bit early in the morning for you to be harassing me.” He used to get along with Sif when they were young since she didn’t live to far away from their family home. But since him and Thor had their falling out as preteens, she distanced her self as well. It hurt that she chose Thor over him, but that’s what he expected out of life now.

 

“I got a very distraught call from your brother last night, what have you done to him this time?” Sif said setting her hands on his hips. Loki rolled his eyes, it was always his fault, not even their father let him off the hook, it was always Thor who got to go and play while he sat in time-out.

 

“He sounded drunk, do not forget that,” Vilstagg said shrugging, his beard shifting against his chest.

 

“I don’t have to answer to any of you.” Loki said sharply “My business with my brother is my own. Now if you would please get out of my way, class is about to start and I don’t want to fail because you can’t interpret what my ingrate brother says.” The men stayed silent while Sif’s glare deepened, but she scoffed and turned to go back to their seats, leaving Loki alone once again.

 

He looked down the desk as the professor entered, regretting what he called his brother but he had a right to be mad to. Thor wasn’t the only one hurting, he wasn’t even sure if his brother knew the pain that he went through on a day to day basis. Any normal person would have probably tried to end their suffering through unfavorable means. He was smart enough to loose himself in novels from around the world. Yet, even the characters from the pages managed to find happiness, something he rarely ever felt.

 

He couldn’t focus on his classes after the confrontation of his brother’s friends. He was worried about Thor more than he thought he would ever be. They would fight and he would run away to Jane and they would forget it by morning. He wondered if Thor even remembered what was said or if he was too drunk and didn’t show to classes because of a hangover. He hoped it was the later but he knew that his brother was good at holding grudges, even if he was mind splitting drunk when the grudge was made.

 

Loki had been lying in the grass under the shade of his favorite tree on campus when he heard the familiar “ahem” come from his left. He cracked open his eyes lightly, emerald green eyes peaking from behind the eyelids. “Brother.” He breathed as he pushed himself up “Where could have possibly been all day long? Father will be furious if he finds out you skipped out on classes because of a headache.” But from the look on the blonde’s face, he knew that wasn’t what he wanted to talk about.

 

The older brother sat on the grass next to Loki, a small sigh escaping his lips. It was just as awkward as it was in the coffee shop the day before but Loki kept his gaze on Thor the best he could. But then he realized what they were both waiting for; an apology. Loki shook his head lightly, “No, no, no” He said looking away “I am _not_ going to apologize to you.” He moved to leave but Thor caught his thin wrist.

 

“Why can’t you accept her, brother?” Thor said, his normally booming voice was calm, “She means everything to me. It troubles her that she tears us apart.”

 

“Do you understand nothing, brother?” Loki said snapping his head around to redirect his scowl from the grass to his brother. He wasn’t going to be the bad guy this time, sure he said something about Jane that was less than appropriate but his heart was breaking. He pulled away and shot up from his seat on the grass “Don’t you blame this on me, Thor!” He pointed lightly before turning away and looking over the campus. People were staring at the two brothers argue since it was so rare that they saw each other in public. Most didn’t even know that they were brothers since they didn’t look alike. But he wasn’t looking out to see what others thought; he wanted to hide the moisture that was threatening his eyes. He never let his brother see him cry and he wasn’t about to start. He took a deep breath and swallowed what ever emotion he was feeling.

 

He glanced over to catch Thor’s flustered stare. He knew he wasn’t making any sense to the older man, but he couldn’t out right say he didn’t like Jane, or any of his past girlfriends for that matter. But for once, he couldn’t think of a lie to tell his brother. So he stood their silently and rubbed his hands together. It was almost embarrassing that his mind was so scrambled that he couldn’t even think coherently. He ran a hand through his raven black hair and turned back to Thor. “You never tried to understand me even thought you know exactly what I feel.” He   muttered lightly before picking his bag up and slung it over his shoulder once again, “Stay out as long as you want tonight. I guarantee that I’ll be deep in sleep by the time you arrive.” He didn’t look back, he didn’t think twice or even try to rethink what he was feeling. He wanted to give up on his feelings for his brother, they were futile efforts. The blonde would never get it through his thick head what was truly happening.

 

But he wanted so much more than what his feeble life was offering him. He was good in school yes, but what would a degree in English do for him? He was never going to make it as a writer like he wanted to since that was obviously failing him. He couldn’t even get one chapter done in what he thought would be a fantastic novel that would make everyone regret not noticing him. But he was only proving them right now. Thor was the only one who supported him in his crazy idea, but now he was loosing the only form of support he had ever known. It hurt more than he thought. He thought that when it happened he would be able to handle it since he already built up such a tough skin. But then again, Thor was his weakness, the only thing that could break down all his walls. It had always been that way.

 


	4. Come on skinny Love, What happened here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Birdys cover of Skinny Love

 

Chapter 4

Come on skinny love, what happened here

 

Loki managed to hold composer until he was out of Thors sight but once he knew his brother could no longer see him Loki broke into a sprint his collected facade cracking with each step. Thanking everything that had no afternoon classes that day he threw himself onto his bed slowly began to cry silently. Broken breaths soon becoming loud sobs it had been years since Loki allowed himself to cry this heavily and he found the tears coming not just for Thor but for every failure his life has been and in Loki’s mind there was plenty enough failures to cry for but he would not allow himself that right now. Counting his breath Loki managed to go from ragged sobs to light sniffles once he had begun to calm down Loki pulled down one of his many encyclopedias, this one was secretly hollowed out in the middle though. Had Thor known Loki kept a diary not only would he never hear the end of it but Thor would also have tried some foolish plan to read it that Loki would easily foil before he just took it with brute strength. 

'Dear diary' Loki began 'once again I have served only to widen the gap between Thor and myself. All I can seem to do as of late is cause trouble for the both of us. I don't know why I brother anymore it is obvious I can do no right in my personal or professional life. My writing is a joke and the only thing funnier than it is my personal life. My only true friend is Thor and he is bond to me by blood but he is only bond to the me I present for if he knew the real me surely the bond of blood would become nothing and I would be truly alone I have not felt this strong a desire to punish myself since I was a teenager but I suppose living in the state I do is punishment enough."

Once more Loki felt himself begin to cry "what is wrong with me today?" he asks himself getting up to go get more tissue from the bathroom just missing the creek of the door opening and Thor lightly calling his name. Though there was no missing the tall muscular man standing by his bed holding Loki’s diary.

"What do you mean by this brother?"  Thor asked harshly. 

"That is private." Loki replied weakly unsure of what his brother just read or the damage it would cause. 

"I will not ask again Loki" Thor said in a stern voice scarring Loki even more over what he had read, Loki was not shy of his feeling toward Thor in his diary. 

"I knew not to what you speak of brother" Loki smirked slyly trying to play this off "there is much in there and I know not what you read."

"Save your fancy language and twisted words for another, brother" Thor said in a more gentle tone approaching Loki "what is this you write of your life failures and blood bonds surely you don't believe this." 

Thor went to hug the thinner man but Loki backed away "what I believe of myself is no concern of yours brother" he spat out avoiding any contact.

"It is if you believe anything about yourself that connects to you deserving to be punished. Brother what have you done to punish yourself?" Thor questioned concern obvious in his voice.

“I have done nothing since I was a teenager Thor” Loki said quietly praying for his strength to return before he let out everything.

“Brother” Thor pleaded bringing him to sit on the bed beside him “please tell me what you have done.”

Loki lost all resolve when Thor took his head and lent it against his thick chest. “I was never as great as you in body I know. And over the years I learnt to accept that you would always be the big one that girls flung too and I was just you chubby little brother lost in the shadows of your perfection.”

“Loki please do not say such things you have never been anything but” Thor was interrupted as Loki quietly please “Thor this is hard..”

After a few deep breaths he continued “I knew I would never look like you no matter how much I wished too. So one day I decide I may never be as sculpted as you but I did not have to be _fat_. So whenever I got mad at myself for failing as a son or brother I would refrain from food.” Loki heard Thor’s breathe hitch and wondered silently if he was crying but he could bring himself to meet Thor’s eyes if he were to continue. “And soon the compliments came on my weight loss for once I was being noticed as more then Thor’s little runt brother and the punishment became a prize until I took it too far.”

“You fainting spells..” Thor breathed out connecting the pieces to the weakness that seemed to overtake his brother in their youth “Loki I do not know how I missed this, I…I am so sorry. But you should never feel as if you should be like me. I am Thor and you are Loki and that’s the way I like it. That is how it should be. You are so amazing and it hurts that you cannot see it. I do not understand why…”

Thor just sat and held Loki for a while neither feeling the need to speak both not knowing what to say occasionally Loki would let out a quite sob as Thor sniffled. These were the moments Loki loved when Thor was his and his alone despite everything that had happened. But Loki also loathed them because he knew as long as they happened he would never get over his emotional ties that his brother just did not return.

As he sat he could just see the snow starting to fall outside there window. Soon it would be winter break and Thor and Loki would return to their childhood home for break and many more moments such as this would happen but Loki swore to himself that after it these would not continue. He had to end these feelings by any means. Loki closed his eyes and waited for sleep to overcome him. As he let out a light snore he felt Thor shift ad lay him down on Thor’s bed pulling his red comforter up his brothers’ thin frame. Staring much more thoughtfully at it than he ever had. He always knew his brother was skinny but he never knew by what means. He lightly rubbed his hand over his brothers’ ribs asking “How can he not see the beauty?”

“It was too dark to see in your shadow brother..” Loki whispered he was unsure if Thor heard but he did pause slightly before exiting the room.


	5. Shadow is the only friend I have

Chapter Five

Shadow is the only friend I have

 

Of course Thor didn’t return that night, or the next night, or the night after that. Every time Loki opened his eyes, Thor’s bed was undisturbed. The dorm the brothers shared became quiet and still. When the younger of the two sat on his bed, he swore he could hear the room itself whispering to him. But he continued to tell himself that it was just the people in the dorms next to him.

Even though he enjoyed the silence, he found himself banging his hip into things just to make noise. He never realized how boring his life was with out his brother. He would catch himself staring at the door, silently wishing that it would swing open and that he could see the ridiculous smile Thor always held. He silently wished for nearly a week before he saw his brother again.

In his classes, the harassment stopped from his brother’s friends but only because he was there to keep them at bay. Blue eyes would meet green, but only for an instant before they would tear away from each other. Loki could feel the strange glances from the others but he kept working and tried to ignore it, even if it did eat at him at night. He even had the audacity to question why he was still going to classes; he couldn’t focus now that the rift between him and his brother was so large it would take an airplane to get over.

And even his diary couldn’t help his forever spinning mind. He would sit with it open, the blank pages mocking him from where they rested. Normally, he would just close it and go to sleep, but the night was different from all the others. Instead of just staring at the pages, he stared at a picture frame that sat on one of Thor’s shelves across the room. It was from when they were young 16 maybe.

Their family was on vacation, even if it was technically a business trip for their father but Frigga made sure her sons still had a pleasant time. They had been out on the beach all day, their skin soaked with salt and sand. Thor’s damp hair had been braided by Loki and hung over his shoulder lightly. Loki however was looking sickly pale since he hadn’t eaten the whole entire day and being in the sun only made his starving body plead more for some sort of salvation. And even though the two brothers hated having pictures taken of them, they let their mother snap a quick photo. Loki fainted shortly after.

Loki’s long fingers tapped against the leather of the diary, his innocent glance slowly becoming a glare. He let out a small growl before slinging the book at the picture, the glass cracking and falling off the shelf next to the book. He stared down at the glass, tears cascading down his face. His own aim seemed to betray him, cracking only the glass over his face; leaving Thor’s bright eyed smile visible with only a small crack above. This only made the tears fall harder, his teeth clenching together, trying to hold back sobs. He could only guess that others heard the shattering glass but knew no one would come to check on him.

But to his surprise, there was a small knock at the door, which made him jump up and quickly brush the tears away from his face. He knew that his eyes were still puffy and his cheeks still cherry red, but he didn’t have much time. He cracked the door open to see his mother’s smiling face, but her lips turned upside down when she saw her sons face. “Loki, darling, what’s wrong?” She said stepping inside the room, the door shutting firmly behind her. He didn’t say anything, just turned away and looked into the emptiness of the room. “Where’s your brother?” She said calmly, only receiving a sigh as her answer. She smiled lightly before sitting on her youngest son’s bed. “So that’s what’s the matter.” She pat the space next to her, Loki quickly obliging her by sitting so close their hips almost touched.

Even in all his loneliness, his mother seemed to be the only thing to comfort him. She had always been the one to hush away his tears and kiss the hurt away. She could no longer do that now that he was a man, but her gentle presence still made his aching heart still for just a moment. But even as she brushed her delicate fingers through his hair, he still found the tears threatening to fall again.

“He just doesn’t understand, mother” He choked out before looking down and burying his face in his hands, “He’s so thick headed sometimes.”

“Well, so are you, son.” She said, still keeping a faint smile on her lips. She let out a delicate sigh before wrapping her arms around her son, “Loki, your brother has always been a hard one to crack open, but he was never so different from you.” He looked up at her with a raised brow but she continued regardless “You would loose yourself in your novels that come from far away lands because you couldn’t stand the world you were in. But he would loose himself just by simply moving. He might not think like you but he does think of you, please, give him a chance to show that he means well.”

Loki let his face fall back into his hands once again. If only she knew what his brother was being so thick headed about. He couldn’t just tell her that he was in love with his big brother. He could only imagine what she would do, or worse, what his father would do. Thor was his golden child and he knew that he would be blamed for trying to seduce Thor.  He didn’t want to suffer his father’s scorn and chance the loss of his mother’s love. It was the only thing he had to lean on at the moment. So he looked up, with a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “I understand mother.” She gave a grateful nod, her blonde curls falling lightly in front of her ears.

 Loki tilted his head lightly, taking in her looks. She had barely aged over the years unlike their father. He always wondered why he couldn’t look like her; hell, why he couldn’t look like the rest of his family. They all had sun kissed, blonde hair and azul eyes, all wrapped up in golden skin. He was left with ebony hair and emerald eyes; his appearance was the first sign that he would never fir in with his family. He always wondered what ancestor bore his genes since he seemed cursed with such a pale complexion.

“I have to return to your father, I only came here to tell you of winter break.” She said standing back up 

“Will we have the normal gatherings?” Loki said opening the door.

“For the most part,” She turned sharply on her heel, “Now Loki, we invited Jane to come along so please be civil with her.” Loki rolled his eyes lightly, which only gained him a scowl. “There will be a new family there who just moved in from around the corner, they have a daughter named Sigyn. She’s a sweet girl so try and be nice to her as well.”

Loki groaned on the inside, he couldn’t believe that his own mother was trying to set him up with some woman. He was the opposite of Thor, never taking an interest in women and seeing dating as pointless. Maybe it was because he was too busy pinning over his brother but it made no difference to him. But he was almost in his mid twenties now so maybe she was worried that he wouldn’t giver her grandchildren. He knew Thor could, and even though the thought of him reproducing with a woman made his stomach lurch, he knew that his mother still wanted both of them to be happy. If only she knew.

“Alright, mother. I’ll play nice.” He gave an emotionless smile, she knew when his smile was fake and when it was genuine but the fact he was trying made her heart feel a little better. “Take care my son.” He kissed her cheek before she bid him farewell and waved him off.

 Once the door shut, he caught glance of the broken glass lying on the floor. How his mother didn’t catch it baffled him, but he was just happy that he didn’t have to explain it as well. He knelt down and picked up some of the shards with his hands, careful not to cut himself. It was sad to think that he resorted to violence, but he was so pent up inside that he felt he would erupt like a volcano.

He threw the glass away before looking out the large window that separated his and Thor’s side of the room. He thought of the woman his mother mentioned, not as an actual option for him to date, just as a nice distraction. She was new so she didn’t know of his faults yet, maybe he could make this work to his advantage. He smiled to himself before looking down at the still broken frame in his hands, “Sigyn. Interesting.”


	6. Close enough to taste it but what if you choke

Chapter 6  
Close enough to taste it but what if you choke

Loki slept uneasy that night, his thoughts full of the last few days of school and Sigyn. He had looked her up at Facebook after his mother left and she was pretty enough. But she was no Thor. He groaned loudly before being scared out of his skin.

“Is now not a good time brother?” Thor asked lightly mistaking his groan of frustration for one of pleasure. 

“Of course it's a good time Thor!” Loki replied not even trying to hide his joy at seeing his brother “where have you been?”

“I have been with Jane” Thor continued ignoring Loki’s scowl “She has been helping me with my science finals. I am on the verge of failing and needed to do a lot to make it up, my apologies if I worried you it was not my intention to remain gone so long.”

He smiled slightly and Loki’s heart swelled. He thought Thor may never return to him and seeing him there in their room again raised him up. It does not matter that Thor spent the last week with Jane because he is with Loki now.

“Did you get all the tutelage you need brother? Or is there any way I can assist you further?” Loki asked pleasantly sitting up and scooting over so Thor could sit next to him on the bed. 

“Tutelage is a funny word” Is all Thor said not even attempting to hide his manly giggle. Loki felt a laugh grow in his throat too and let it out, it had been so long since he had let himself just laugh. He was so elevated by Thors return that he no longer even felt the hunger pangs deep in his gut. A least until it grumbled loudly and Thor instantly stopped laughing.

“What is wrong brother?” Loki asks of his brothers’ sudden silence.

“Your stomach” Thor paused searching for the words but Loki already knew what was coming “Why did it growl that loudly. Have you been eating?” 

Loki steals a glance at Thor who is glancing nervously from his shoes to Loki. “Answer me brother please.”

Loki pauses to think of how to answer but his silence answers all before he even opens his mouth. “I ate this morning but did not get a chance to grab lunch between classes.”

Thor looked upon him sternly “That is a lie Loki and we both know it. That is not a noise from a stomach kept from food for only a few hours.” 

Loki looked down in defeat knowing there was no way for him to avoid this. He walked across the room and picked up the broken picture frame handing it to Thor apologetically lifting his trimmed brow.

“This is my favorite picture it’s the last one where you are truly smiling.” Thor said looking at the broken frame in his hand. And it was true every in picture of Loki he was smiling but none of them were genuine after this one. He and Thor had been on the beach a few hours and Loki even managed to convince his brother to let him play with his beautiful golden hair. They had swum in the ocean and built a sand castle while Frigga looked on lovingly at her sons even managing to get a photo of her boys in their joyful state. For the first time in years Loki did not care about his body compared to Thor and all the tension between then disappeared and was filled with laughter and jokes. Thor even managed to cover up Loki fainting so neither got in trouble and the fun of vacation just continued.

“It was the last time I really saw you happy” Thor continued “I wanted to hold onto that vacation forever and often think of it fondly.”

Loki was deeply touched by the words and was unsure what to answer he felt a small tear travel down his cheek. He had so often doubted his brother’s affection that to have in so candidly confirmed lit up something deep within Loki.

“Will you tell me now brother?” Thor asked solemnly still looking at the picture.

“I ate roughly three days ago.”

“What did you eat?”

“An apple and some cheese.”

“That is not enough” Thor stated standing up and walking over the fridge and digging out a kid cuisine it was childish but Loki loved the spaghetti and often went to it when he would eat nothing else. Throwing it into the microwave he went and sat down across the room from his brother again.  
Taking a deep breath Loki could tell he was looking for the proper words to say and finding none Thor gave up when the microwave went off and he got the meal for Loki handing it to him and sitting back on his bed. Loki stared at the food helplessly he had always snuck off during lunch to eat in privacy but he knew Thor would not look away until he was satisfied Loki had eaten enough. He looked at his brother helplessly but saw no escape. Looking back down at the food Loki pushed a meatball around with his fork.

“Eat” Thor commanded in a tone that said there was no other option.

Loki’s stomach grumbled again and he forced a meatball into his mouth. Chewing slowly he tried to control his emotions. But Thor sat patiently watching him until he finished. After what seemed a lifetime Loki took his last bite and Thor collected his tray placing it into the trash. He did not return to his bed but instead took Loki into his arms laying down and pulling Loki’s deep green blanket over both of them. 

Loki snuggled into Thors muscle bound chest and felt it heavy as Thor let out a small cry. Looking up his fears were confirmed as he saw the water leaking from Thors eyes.  
“Why do you cry Brother?” Loki asked sadly rubbing the tears from Thor’s bearded face.

“Because I love you but am unable to make you love yourself.” He replied with a sniffle hugging his smaller brother close.

Loki felt his heart grow heavy in his chest and he pushed his face into Thor and let out a small cry. Angry at himself for falling back into old hobbits and dragging the one he loves down with him.

“I never noticed how prominent your ribs were in that photo I am so mad at myself for not having put it and the fainting spells together. I could have helped you but I was blind to your pain in my own arrogance.” Thor said out of nowhere and where Loki’s heart was heavy before it was now broken. 

“It was not your burden to bear brother” Loki said soothingly “Mother knew and she helped where she could but I would not have wanted you to know. I was aware of how little you already thought of me without this on top of it.”

“I never thought lowly of you Loki if anything I envied you, you were always so smart and independent you never felt like you had to do anything for anyone that you did not wish too while I bended to every whim around me. I may have been bigger but you were the true man.”

“Please brother” Loki begged lightly “No more words.”

With that Thor grew silent and held his brother tightly falling asleep with him in his arms. They both woke in comfort and dressed in a pleasant silence finals would being the next day and they knew after today it would be chaos for both of them and both were glad they had had this moment together while they still could. Walking to class Thor did the unthinkable and left Sif and his boys to sit with Loki smiling at him reassuringly throughout the lesson before taking him to lunch to make sure he ate.

The rest of the week passed in a blur and before they knew it finals were over and they were heading home for break. While Thor was elated to hear of Sigyn and talked excitedly about them joining him and Jane for a horsehide through the meadows by their house Loki held onto his reservations.


	7. Now I am home, here among my trappings and belongings I belong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Loki return home for break

 

Now I am home, here among my trappings and belongings I belong

 

     The brothers woke before the sun had peaked over the tall buildings of their [university](http://thetomhiddlestonpage.tumblr.com/post/42329429572/the-secrets-they-shared-ch-7-now-i-am-home-here). Loki was able to do it effortlessly, but the older of the two groaned and mumbled as he walked around their room searching for what ever it was he needed. Things felt back to normal, Loki was certain how that his life was supposed to be this way. He set a cup of coffee out for Thor to grab as he walked past and into the bathroom to shower. Loki chuckled as the door slammed; they really were opposites in nearly everything.

     Loki had already been up and ready when the blonde’s head poked out from underneath the [comforters](http://thetomhiddlestonpage.tumblr.com/post/42329429572/the-secrets-they-shared-ch-7-now-i-am-home-here). They had been sharing a bed the past week so he was surprised when he had accidently rolled off the bed when he really just meant to get more comfortable. But his green eyes only found his brother exactly how he was; snoring.

     As he sat at the desk and looked out of their window, he couldn’t be more excited to be leaving with his brother. The only down fall was Jane. He wished that him and Thor could be alone again like they were children, but he knew that not only Jane would be constantly by their side, but so would Sigyn. He knew his mother wouldn’t mention her without reason. He tried to convince himself over the week that being with the woman was going to be a goof thing, the chance that he needed. But as he looked over at his freshly showered brother, he didn’t want that chance anymore. He sighed and ducked his head down; trying to not think about how good Thor’s blonde tresses looked soaked and pressed against his face.

     “Have you eaten, Loki?” Thor said as he slipped his took a sip of coffee.

     “Not yet. I was waiting for you. I knew you wouldn’t believe me if I said I had already eaten anyways.” He shrugged before looking back. Thor had been watching him like a hawk for the past week, making sure he always ate on time. If Loki was even a few minutes late to the cafeteria, the eldest threw a fit. It was almost hard to let old habits go after he saw how much attention he got from just simply neglecting his body. But he knew that if he thought that way, it would only drag Thor down more. He hated seeing his brother’s crystal eyes cry because of his wrong doings.

     Loki was torn from his thoughts when Thor set down a bowl of cereal, holding a second in his large hand. “You better eat all of it.” He winked lightly before going to enjoy his own on his bed. Loki only stared at the heaping bowl of Cheerios. One thing his brother never seemed to understand was that not everyone had such a big appetite as him.

     He only got half way through when there was a knock at the door. He didn’t turn around, knowing who it was just by how quickly his brother stood from his spot on the bed; almost spilling his cereal in the process. He stopped eating, and stared back at the snow, hearing the woman’s giggle from behind him. While he still couldn’t see, he just imagined Thor picking Jane up in his arms, spinning her around like they hadn’t seen each for months. Granted, they hadn’t been seeing each other at night like they were used to, which Loki was okay with, so he only guessed they missed each other’s embrace. He let out a sigh and tried to remind himself, they were only brothers.

     A small “ahem” came from behind him, Thor shutting the door which Loki took as a cue to turn around and greet Jane. So he took a deep breath and put one of his famous smiles on and stood. He held his arms out and greeted her with a loose hug. She of course had a large smile which showed off her white smile. Once he let her go, she looked between the two brothers, “We’re going to be late if you dilly dally. Hurry and finish, your parents are already waiting down stairs for us.” The brothers froze, knowing how their mother would react if they were late. So they quickly grabbed their things and ran out the door, Jane laughing as the two ran as fast as they could down the stairs.

     Loki kissed his mother on her cheek while Thor and Jane greeted Odin. He didn’t move from his spot, scowling at the others. Frigga caught a hold of the gaze and gently gave him a smack on the arm. His shoulders gave a jolt before giving a guilty smile.

     “At least attempt to be nice to each other this weekend.” Frigga said, referring not only to her husband but her oldest son as well.

     “Yes, mother.” Loki said before giving his father a small head nod from afar, before crawling into the back seat of their car. The driver greeted him warmly, even though Loki barely noticed it. Thor and Jane crawled into the two seats next to him, a small groan escaping his lips. They were holding hands and staring lovingly in each other’s eyes. His mother smiled warmly at them from the seat in front of them, which made his heart sink even lower. All the love that seemed to be floating in the air was making him sick. SO he pulled his scarf up lightly over his lips and closed his eyes. Right as the car started to move, he opened his eyes, he never finished eating.

     A sudden rocking of the car made Loki wake from his deep sleep. He wasn’t dreaming but the sudden movement startled him, causing his chest to rapidly rise and fall. He put a hand to his forehead before looking around the car. His mother was apparently asleep as well since she seemed to have the same sleep filled expression he did. He looked to his right, seeing that his brother and Jane were happily talking, still holding hands tightly. His gaze quickly changed to back out the cars dark windows. He recognized this place. It was the long pathway which lead to his family home. The large trees that created a canopy over the road had shed their leaves and now let snow slip between their branches. Everything was covered in white expect for the tire tracks the car left behind them.

     Once the car stopped and they family got out, Loki’s green eyes were captured by the white blankets that covered the ground. He stood out against the snow, his black clothes and black hair making him look like a raven. He looked back, noticing his brother staring prominently. It made his cheeks color before turning away and looking back up to the house. It had been years since he had been home and the last year was nearly torture. His last year of high school was spent alone since Thor, a year older, had gone off to college.         

     He had never been truly bullied before that. Team mates on Thor’s old football team gave him daily beatings when they were able to catch him. Teachers turned a blind eye because they when ever Loki was asked about the abuse, he simply would turn his head and stare out the closest window. When Odin and Frigga came to question the teachers about the bruises, they always told him he refused to speak, always looking out as if he were longing for something. Which he was. He missed his brother more than anything in the world and desperately longed for some sort of line to grab a hold of. A call, a text, anything would have been fine. The year they were separated, Thor seemed to become even more out going, proud even. But Loki, he went in the opposite direction; shutting down ignoring everyone including his parents. He shut himself away in his room night after night, loosing himself in between book pages so that some how he could forget the pain he received during the day.

     As Loki stood looking up to the window that used to be his room, the pain didn’t seep back in like he thought it would. It made his lips curve into a smile before his brother came and clasped a hand over his shoulder. He looked up, his emerald eyes showing how truly comforted he was by his thoughts. “Welcome home, brother.” Thor said before marching off into the house, Jane in tow.

     The night was full of laughter, happy cheers that Odin’s sons were finally home. Their family’s friends had gathered to celebrate their journeys in college and their passing final grades. Loki stayed isolated most of the night, letting Thor take all the glory and tedious questions. He stayed on the far side of the large room specially made for these types of events. They had been used for birthday parties for Loki and Thor growing up, although they were mostly for Thor than Loki since he had no friends to invite to parties. Even now, he felt like nothing had changed.

    But after am hour, a young girl snuck her way up next to Loki. She kept her hands clasped behind her back, her long green dress fluttering as she side stepped closer. Loki raised a thin eye brow as he turned from his drink to look at her. He recognized her instantly, she was much more nervous in person. “You must be Sigyn.” He said casually as her face colored lightly. She didn’t expect him to know who she was since she had just moved to the town. She pushed back her dark locks, revealing green eyes that almost rivaled Loki’s. Her nervousness was almost comical, he was trying to suppress a smile but it was hard to accomplish. So he busied himself by taking another drink from his glass.

     “It’s nice to meet you, Loki” She said finally coughing up the courage to say something. She puffed up her chest and tried to appear confident, which made Loki almost spit out what he had just drunk. So he quickly swallowed and set the empty glass down.

He gave her a small head bow before holding his hand out, palm up. “Come dance with me.” The room was big enough for not only seated eating space but for movement also. He was almost positive they could have weddings in his home if only someone in the family would allow it. He could only guess that Thor would be the first since him and Jane seemed to be going strong. The thought left a sour taste in his mouth as he felt the woman’s delicate hand on his, which made him look up. He tried to forget what he was thinking of and put on a smile as he led her down.

     From the corner of his eye, he caught the familiar flash of blonde hair. He turned so that he could see over Sigyn’s head as they walked. He let a smirk stretch across his lips as he saw Thor’s conflicting expression. Thor looked on as his younger brother led the dark haired woman across the floor. It was strange, this feeling in his chest. He never thought he’d feel it, but looking at Loki’s and Sigyn’s arms tightly wrapped around each other and moving across the wood floors intimately made his blood slightly boil. He didn’t want Jane to catch on that he was staring, so he tore his eyes away and looked back to the group of people who he was talking to. He thought it would fade, but when Loki kissed her hand gently at the end of the night, it only made it worse.


	8. So long my luckless romance, My back is turned on you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't supposed to be so long but Hamlet is my favorite play and I get a little emotional when I talk about it also enjoy my failure of smut

Chapter 8  
So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you  
Loki and Sigyn continued to dance and share drinks the rest of the night and Loki found himself falling into her essence as they spent more time together. To say he was not still hyper aware of Thor’s almost constant gaze on him throughout the evening would be a lie but as it got later he found himself less caring of it.

Once the evening had called to a close Loki escorted Sigyn back to her car and after a few casual jokes and goodbyes he allowed himself to pull her into a light kiss. A blush spread over her fair features and Loki couldn’t help but laugh as she walked off. He turned to see Thor staring at him aghast, he knew his brother had walked Jane out but he was unaware how closely he stood watching them. 

“You seem to have had a good evening brother” Thor spat out. Loki tried to pretend he did not hear the venom in Thor’s voice refusing to think he may be….jealous. 

“Yes Sigyn it’s a sweet girl, she’s training to be a midwife? An interesting field though one I would prefer not to think of.” Loki tried to laugh of Thor’s confusing anger with his lame joke but his brother just stalked off.

Loki stayed outside for a few minutes and took in a deep breath trying to ignore the hunger pains growing in his concave stomach. Without Thor watching him he had honestly forgotten to eat. He let the cold air blow through his tailored suit for a few more minutes before returning to the house. He found Frigg waiting for him at the door with a sweet smile on her lips. She took him into a tight hug and gently kissed his temple.

“How was the dance sweety?” She asked not waiting for an answer “It is so wonderful to have both my boys home with me again. You and Sigyn seemed to hit it off very well, what do you think?”

Loki smiled briskly trying to figure out what exactly he did feel “She is very sweet and amazingly pretty I would like to get to know her better.”

Frigg could not even begin to hide the smile that grew on her face “that’s so wonderful dear! I knew you two would hit it off as soon as I saw her library!” Frigg giggled hugging her tall son again “Odin and I are going to the country club tomorrow you, Sigyn, Thor and Jane should come and take the horses out they’d love to stretch their legs and it’ll be romantic.” She said in a sing song voice briskly walking off leaving Loki smiling in the hallway behind her. He would have a lot to think about tonight. 

But his thoughts were quickly interrupted as he walked into him room to find Thor on his childhood bed staring at a pile of Shakespeare plays on his nightstand.

“I could never understand your interest in old dead white guys brother, far too hard to understand for my taste.”

“That’s why I love them” Loki said siting down next to his brother on his bed “because they are hard to understand. You have to think about it, you can’t just read it look at the words and put it down. You have to observe every vowel and let it sink in, clear your mind and bring the sounds together to create something beautiful. Be it death or love he brings out the beauty in all of it from Lady Macbeths tragic suicide to his love filled ballads. You have to think of them to understand them put the thought in to find the plot and emotions you can’t just absentmindedly thumb through and that makes you remember them. That’s what makes them special to me no matter if you like the story or not if you understand it properly you have to put in enough thought to be touched by the story. Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.”

“What?” Thor said tears breaming in his eyes.

“It’s from Hamlet” Loki said gesturing lamely to the worn out copy on top of the pile “One of my favorite Shakespearean works.”

“You speak so passionately of your books brother, it is moving. I have never seen you with a passion in your eyes such as this.”

“Books were all I had growing up, they cared not of my horrid appearance or lack of social skills they did not laugh at my fantasies and hopes but indulged me in them if only for a little while. It is an escape I looked forward too and counted on to get through the days.”

“You have a lovely appearance brother” Thor whispered pushing a strand of hair from Loki’s face “where I was all roughness and muscle you were nimble and thin and beautiful. I have said it before and I will say it again I should be jealous of you instead of you of me.” 

“Thank you brother” Loki refused to meet his brothers eyes instead choosing to stare at his shined shoes “But if you do not mind I wish to go to bed now it has been a long, if not enjoyable, day.”

“That is actually why I am here” Thor stood and paced the room nervously, this got Loki’s attention “Between you and Jane I have grown too use to company in my bed to sleep alone. My I stay in here? Your bed is much larger than mine.”

“Of course” Loki answered without thinking and instantly regretted it pushing it from his mind he promised himself it would be a one night thing, knowing it wouldn’t be. He tried not to stare as Thor stripped down to his boxers for bed before pausing and digging something out of his pocket a slightly smashed pop tart. 

“Do not think I did not watch you brother you pushed the food around on your plate more then you put it into yourself.”

Loki laughed lightly and took one out giving the other to his brother as he sat down next to him. While he ate Loki began to undress himself not turning towards Thor, it had been years since Thor had seen him shirtless. He sighed as he pulled his wife beater over his thin arms and undid his belt before hearing Thor gasp behind him.

“I did not realize how thin you really were Loki.” He said holding his hand out to his brother. Loki gladly took it and was pulled into Thor’s lap “I will start you on some light exercise to build up muscle and fill you out a little.”

Loki smiled at the thought and pulled off Thor before going to turn off the light. Thor lay facing the wall while Loki stared out his window thinking of Sigyn, the way her dress carelessly fell into her sweet hips and brushed over her ripe bosom. He felt himself growing aroused as he thought of what was under her dress. Growing oversensitive to the heat of Thor next to him his thoughts roamed from Sigyn sweet curves to the rough muscle of his brothers back pushed against him.

Unable to deal with it any longer Loki took himself into hand hissing at the cold contact and relishing in the thought of Thor being right behind him. Biting his bottom lip he began to slowly pump up his length thoughts flying from his brother to Sigyn. His pass began to quicken as his imagination grew more vivid. Quickly pre-cum began to leak it had been ages since he was last able to touch himself and Loki knew he would not last much longer. He caught Thor’s scent in his nose and quickly became intertwined with it all thoughts of Sigyn leaving his mind. He imagined Thor above him that smell of sweat coming from his own pleasure as he caressed his thick muscle, his own thin frame being blanketed by Thor as he kissed his neck and pulled his hair. That was all it took and Loki felt himself spilling into his own hand. The other coming to his mouth to silence the scream he felt coming from his throat. He was into his own fantasy he didn’t even notice Thor’s arm moving under the blanket as he mimicked Loki’s action unaware that he had been caught in the act.

The next morning both brothers woke late into the morning having slept better than they had in years. Heading down to the dining room after getting dressed Thor is a plain red shirt that hugged his body and lose fitting jeans Loki in tight black pants and his favorite green and black stripped hoodie, they chatted happily at the table waiting for their parents to join them. 

Odin was the first one down grunting roughly as he sat down nodding at Thor and ignoring Loki as he picked up the newspaper. Frigga quickly followed kissing each boy on the cheek before sitting down and chatting happily about the country club that afternoon. Soon the maids came in with eggs and sausages and orange juice, the favorite breakfast to both boys. Loki could feel not only Thor’s but Frigg’s gaze on him as he forced himself to chew a few bites of egg before washing it down with juice. 

Loki felt his stomach drop as Frigg cleared her throat “You are looking rather thin Loki, is everything okay?”

Loki could feel Odin’s disapproving stare without even having to look at him to know it’s there. “Everything is fine mother I’ve just been super busy lately and forget to eat sometimes is all.” He tried to smile comfortingly to his mother but it came across as more pained. 

“Well just make sure you eat enough while you’re on break Love we’ll fatten you up don’t you worry!”

“I’m sure Loki eats plenty Frigg, eating disorders is a girls plight. No son of mine could possibly have it.”

Loki tried to laugh it off nervously staring at his plate missing the harsh look Frigg gave her husband. Thor smiled nervously and changed the conversation to the universities Lacrosse team season that was coming up while grabbing Loki’s hand in a supporting manner under the table. 

After finishing breakfast Loki quickly excused himself from the table and returned to his room for a shower. Frigga looked to Thor saying with her eyes to go after his brother.

It took no more encouraging for Thor to follow after him finding Loki in his shower crying softly and laying down on his bed thinking of how to comfort his brother. When Loki returned to his room he was in only a towel with red eyes.

“What are you doing her Thor?” He asked quickly changing and running a comb through his wet hair. 

“Do not listen to him brother he is so old fashioned if he knew you to be in true pain he would surely do everything to comfort you.” Thor said offering a comforting smile. Loki sat down next to him and allowed Thor to put his hand over his think shoulders.

“I wish I knew that to be true Thor but sometimes I feel as if I am not even his son” before Thor could begin to protest the boys we being beckoned downstairs to leave for the club.

“Come brother it will be fun and take your mind off things!” Thor smiled widely dragging his brother up “You always did love horses! And you can ride them so skillfully with such great ease!”

Loki smiled at the thought; he really did love horses thinking they were such beautiful creatures. He followed his brother and found Jane and Sigyn waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs. Loki took no notice of Jane as she ran to Thor but could not take his eyes off of Sigyn her soft black hair pulled into a gentle braid and a loosely fitted brown shirt complimented her figure which was emphasized by her tight jeans and leather black riding boots. 

He took no notice of the longing look Thor gave him as they headed out towards the car. The car ride was uneventful as Jane took Thors hand and sat in a comfortable silence while Thor and Sigyn talked with ease over whatever came to mind. 

Once they arrived at the club the boys broke away from their parents finding the horse stable and picking out their horses. Once Loki had picked out his steed a beautiful creature with soft brown hair and gentle white spots on his back matching his gentle white mane he noticed Sigyn still looking them over looking a little lost. He gave his horse to Thor to lead out and went over to her gentle grabbing around her waist. She jumped a little and Thor felt sick to his stomach but quickly shook it off walking out to find Jane. 

“I’ve never ridden a horse before” Sigyn confessed “I grew up in a city where there was just nowhere to do it.”

Loki laughed softly and kissed her neck “then allow me to show you doll.” He grabbed a lovely blonde creature and helped Sigyn on flirtfully grabbing at her hips as he lifted her before leading her out. He jumped on his own horse with ease squeezing it’s waist between his thighs and leading on Sigyn following behind then Thor and Jane.

They rode peacefully for an hour just taking in the scenery and gently talking every so often but mostly falling into a comfortable silence. Jane tried to coax Thor into speaking but he seemed distracted and she quickly gave up. All was going well until Loki’s horse got spooked and took off. He tried with all his might to control it but it was just too much for malnourished frame and he was easily bucked off. Hitting the ground all he heard was Sigyn’s scream and Thor calling out his name before he blacked out.


	9. Then let my heart be hardened and never mind how high the cost may grow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki finds out his true parentage angst ensues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written by the amazing Kayla

Chapter Nine  
Then let my heart be hardened and never mind how high the cost may grow

It all seemed to happen so fast. He was simply laughing at something Jane had said about her studies, even though he didn’t really understand what was funny about her lab blowing up. The horse began to side step, snorting slightly until it started neighing loudly. Loki didn’t react in time before the steed broke off into a gallop, tearing through the trees until it stopped suddenly, throwing his head down, flying like super man straight into the ground. He didn’t remember much, except for hearing his name and tasting dirt. The pain barely registered since he blacked out almost right away. 

Loki head was throbbing heavily as if he had been drinking too much. But even when he experienced a hang over, his whole body never ached like it was now. He groaned lightly as he heard murmuring coming from his right he reached to touch his head but found his shoulder stiff and gave quite a bit of effort to move. 

“Loki!” He heard from a woman, he could only guess it was Sigyn.

“Brother!” Ah, there he was. Loki opened his eyes lightly, only screwing them closed once again when the bright lights hit his pupils. He groaned again as he forced them open, looking at his brother, Sigyn and Jane all looking over him. He blinked a few times before trying to move, only finding that moving was much worse. He laid back down against the bed, only connecting the dots that he wasn't laying on the floor where he landed. There were no trees or fallen leaves. He looked around frantically noticing the white walls and slight beeping. 

“Where are we?” He said lightly, his head still hammering his senses. 

“The hospital, you were launched from your horse.” Jane said giving a worried smile. There was no way Loki could come up with a witty remark, especially when she really did look worried. 

Thor reached out and brushed a few stands of black hair away from his brother’s eyes, his own looking pained and confused. “You have a concussion, Loki” Thor said sitting by his side “You lucky that you landed on an angle cause if you landed straight on your head it could have been much worse…” Loki stared into his blue eyes. He knew that it could have left him paralyzed, or even dead. He heard Sigyn sniffle, looking over she had tears running down her pale cheeks smiling reassuringly. He reached out and wiped them away, she was thinking the same thing he was. He was lucky to be there. 

A rapping came from the door which made the party turn their heads, seeing a doctor come in looking over his charts. He put the clip board under his arm and walked over to the foot of the bed. “Nice to see you’re awake” He said gently “I’m doctor Banner. I know your father so it’s a pleasure to meet you both.” He looked between Loki and Thor with a bashful smile. Thor smiled back while Loki sat and stared. His head hurt too much to try and think of an appropriate way of replying. 

Banner cleared his throat before looking back at his clip board “So as I’m sure your brother told you, you have a concussion. We did a MRI already and there doesn't seem to be any bleeding in your brain. You should be able to go.” He said before pulling a pen out “You’re not prone to seizures, are you?” 

Loki simply shook his head.

“Are your parents?” Banner scribbled on a chart while the brothers exchanged looks. 

“They’ve never said any-” Thor started but Banner cut in. 

“No I mean you real parents, Loki.” Banner said with out looking up. 

Loki looked to Thor who had an eyebrow raised. At the sudden silence, Banner looked up, realizing why they were so quiet. His face fell and he took a deep breath before putting his pen back in his pocket. He taped the board between his fingers before exhaling “They haven’t told you.” 

What happened next Loki couldn’t tell say he remembers Banner leaving and ripping the IVs out of his arm before taking off next thing he was aware of with the large oak door of his house coming into view.

He threw the doors open to his family’s home, the wood swinging open and hitting the walls behind them. He didn’t care if his head was swimming, making him teeter lightly when he walked. “Mother! Father!” He yelled as he stormed up the long stair case. 

Thor, Jane and Sigyn trailed after him, all being unable to stop him since he was released from the hospital. Thor had never seen him so mad before, even though he was slightly shocked about it as well. But it explained so much. Why Loki didn’t look like them at all, his actions, his everything. And his father, maybe that was why he always acted the way he did. 

Frigg ran out from the study, seeing her youngest son. She saw the bruise on his head and the dark bags under his eyes. “Oh, my sweet son!” She said reaching out. Loki shot back, eyeing her with eyes so wide it was as if she was the horse who had thrown him off. She scared him now. 

“You lied to me!” He screamed backing up against the banister. She stood and stared at him with wide eyes. Thor reached out to try and calm Loki but he ripped his arm away and gave him a warning glance. Thor backed away cautiously never taking his eyes from Loki.

Odin walked out “What are you yelling for, Loki?” He said straightening his coat. He seemed as if he had been asleep or distracted by something by the way he seemed so zoned out. 

Loki’s chest was heaving up and down as he eyed his “parents.” He lifted his hand and pointed at the two of them, trying to find the words to say. “I know why you always treated me different. Why I don’t have the godly looks of the Odinson family.” He cried out “Why couldn’t you tell me that I was not of your blood!” 

Frigg’s eyes began watering as she came to realize what he was saying. She wanted to reach out, but by the way he was shaking, she knew it would only cause him to panic. He was like an animal when cornered, he grew violent. 

“You were Freyja’s son.” Odin said making everyone turn and look at him instead of Loki. But Frigg turned to stone next to him, lowering her glance to the ground. Loki’s gaze flickered between the two, waiting for further explanation. With a deep breath, Odin dared to take a step closer to his son. “She was a student at the university, beautiful creature. Golden hair matching the gold necklace that hung from her throat. She never had time for one man, until he showed up.” The word left his lips like poison, making Loki’s brow furrow slightly. 

“Laufey was a substitute to the university, who she was quite taken with. She became pregnant, with you Loki. I watched you grow inside her belly over the next few months, I felt you kick. But when she gave birth to you, she left you at the hospital, moving on with her life. Laufey couldn’t be contacted after that, we guessed he moved on also. So I took you in since she had no other relatives to take care of you.”

Loki felt his lungs shrink and his heart stop. His head was pounding as he gripped the banister and dropped to his knees. He didn’t believe that was the only reason Odin took him in, and he his inkling was confirmed when Frigg had tears running down her face. He looked back up as he regained his breath. He set a hand over his chest just to make sure his heart was still able to beat. Thor went to his side to help him stand but he pushed the older man away before glaring at Odin. “Do you see her when you look at me?” He said breathlessly. But when Odin averted his gaze his chest felt heavy again, “Why can’t you look at me!” He screamed stepping out. Thor tensed lightly, seeing the anger seep out from Loki. He had never seen his brother so angry. 

“You look nothing like her.” Odin finally said, “I only see your father, when I see your face.” He turned and walked down the hall into another room, shutting the door tightly behind him, leaving the rest of his family. Frigg dabbed her eyes with the back of her hand before she looked to Loki, who was still staring at the door in shook. The fact that Odin walked away meant that it was the end of their conversation. 

Loki heard Jane and Sigyn slowly making their way up the stairs, careful not to disturb the family. They held the same worried expression Thor did, which only made Loki feel embarrassed. He didn’t want his dirty history aired in front of everyone. Once he regained feeling in his body, he pushed past everyone and down the stairs, no longer able to hear Thor’s and Frigg’s worried calls for him. Once he reached the front door, he pushed it open and broke out into a run. He couldn’t breathe in the house, he still felt as if he couldn’t. He stripped his hoodie off as he disappeared into the trees. 

He stopped when he felt good and lost in the snowy forest. He gasped for breath as he glanced around, finally everything seemed quiet. But his head flared up again and he doubled over, his stomach heaving lightly. He grabbed hold of a tree, as bile spilled from his lips. He cursed the concussion but knew that the shock of his history most likely sent his body into a panic. He stood back up and walked away from his mess to another tree where he went back to his knees, the snow devouring his long legs. Tears threatened to fall from his eyelashes but he tried to hold it in. He had to be strong; he was raised as an Odinson. But then he froze, he wasn’t one of them. He was…. Laufeyson. He could cry if he wanted, apparently weakness ran through his blood. The tears began to fall like waterfalls as he buried his head his hands, bending over so that his hands touched the top of his knees. And in that position he stayed until nightfall, crying in the silent forest. The only sound was his gasping sobs and the fluttering of feathers as ravens passed by.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10  
If I could pretend I’m asleep when the tears start to fall   
I peek out from behind these walls

Thor followed the footprints in the snow looking for Loki for hours. Jane and Sigyn had wanted to help but Thor sent them away needing to think without their pestering him. Loki not being their brother had changed something with him. He loved his as much as he had before this startling revelation but now he was even more unsure of what this love entailed then he was before. He likes to act as if he had forgotten his and Loki’s kiss long ago but it was always there as hard as he tried to push it away. What does this mean now his brother was no longer his brother?

Thor was torn from his thoughts as he heard Loki’s loud weep, Loki had cried more times then he would like to admit these last few weeks but Thor had never honestly heard him break down and weep as he was now. Sunken in the snow the tips of his fingers began to turn blue but he paid them no mind as he buried his face into them before running them through his tangled hair. Unsure what to do Thor snuck up behind him and sat next to him in the snow trying to cradle Loki’s head onto his shoulder but Loki freaked out.

“Leave me!” Loki screamed hysterically pushing the larger man away and standing, his face chapped and red. 

“Loki please” Thor begged his own voice cracking “brother let me comfort you.”  
Loki turned around and snarled at Thor “I am not your brother!” He hissed charging at Thor throwing his full strength into knocking the older to the ground. Blindly he began punching and sobbing nearly entirely missing Thor and bloodying his knuckles on the ground. He soon began weeping again straddling Thor and bringing his hands up to cover his face. This was the first time Thor had noticed the blood and quickly grabbed Loki’s hand examining them and gently kissing the cut knuckles before picking up his thin brother and carrying him home, this time meeting no resistance. 

Frigg met them at the door but Odin was nowhere to be found. Taking in the sight of her son’s bloody knuckles and bruised face she broke down into tears as Thor laid him down onto the table.

“I’ll call Bruce to make a house call” She said running out of the kitchen. Some twenty minutes later Doctor Banner walked into the kitchen breath catching in his lightly stubbled throat as he caught sight of Loki passed out on the table Thor silently crying holding Loki’s still blue hands. 

“How long was he out?” Banner asked taking his heartbeat placing his fingers gently against his neck.

“I do not know a couple of hours. He took off his hoodie before entering the woods he was hard to find.” Thor stammered out before breaking down. Banner rubbed his back and instructed him to boil some water and pour it into a bowl before returning with a towel. Once Thor reentered the kitchen Loki was still out but he was lightly mumbling.

Banner took the towel and lightly dipped it into the water wrapping Loki’s hands in them before giving them back to Thor to hold.

“I’m so sorry…this is all my fault I…I thought he knew or I would not have brought up his real parents.”

“Oh don’t blame yourself Bruce.” Frigg stepped into the kitchen Odin standing slightly behind her “This is our fault we should have told...just with the self-harm we didn’t want to further the stress on him.”

“Self-Harm?” Banner asked looking obviously concerned “What type of self-harm?”

Frigg looked down ashamed “He…he would starve himself as a child we thought it was getting better then he returned home like this.”

Banner shook his head before pressing his hands against Loki’s ribs “Has he ever cut himself? Do you know Frigg?”

Frigg shook her head no and broke down falling into Odin’s embrace at the thought of Loki ever harming himself in such a way without her knowing. “Well” Bruce began looking at Loki “Take him and force him into a hot- but not too hot- shower before putting him to bed if his hands are still blue in the morning call me as soon as you wake up, on my cell.” 

He finished and left gently rubbing Figg’s back “Thank you Bruce.”

Thor picked Loki up in his arms despite his slowly becoming more awake and walked past his parents not even looking at them. He carried Loki to their former room and thanked the gods it had a bathroom in it and a lock on the door. He still loved his parents deeply but tonight was for Loki and he could not handle their interference. 

“Bath” Loki gasped out barely awake and Thor just looked at him confused unaware he had heard what Banner said “No shower...want bath...Loki want bath.” Thor chuckled at his usually so eloquent brothers speech and started to gently strip him before running him a heart bath. He gentle placed Loki into it when he judged the water warm enough and felt his mood soften as he saw Loki relax. But Banner’s words still hung heavily over him has he ever cut himself?

Thor began to look over Loki for any sign of a scar and upon seeing none just asked his brother. Silently Loki looked at him and turned his leg over showing the zig zag of scars on the inside of his thigh. White even against his pale skin Thor didn’t try to hide his tears as Loki closed his eyes and rubbed the scars on his leg. They both sat in an uneasy silence for a while before Loki whispered “bed” and Thor helped him out of the tub and into his worn pajamas.

“I will not share a bed with you if you do not wish Loki but I will not leave you alone tonight” Loki only scooted over and lifted the blankets for Thor to fall underneath. Both were so exhausted they fell asleep with no more words between them. The next few days passed in a daze and Loki slowly got his strength back after his concussion and Frigg was always there showing Loki that she still loved him as when he thought he was her son and Thor thought nothing of blowing off his friends to spend time by Loki’s bed side reading to him and just casually talking. But the image of the scars of Loki’s leg remained heavy on his mind, among other things.

It was the morning before the families annual facility Christmas party at the Odinson house and Loki had agreed to come out of his room and make an appearance if only for a short while. Thor woke him early and made sure he ate a full breakfast before taking him out for some fresh air deciding to journey to the meadow behind their house where they had a swinging chair so Loki could get exercise without overdoing himself. 

“Your bruises are healing well brother” Thor said with a smile as they both sat down Loki only smiled back and went to lightly touch his forehead “I am glad you are here no matter the conditions that bring you here.” Loki tried to hide the hurt behind his eyes at the thougth of the last few days were brought up by Thor comment but instead focused on the larger hand now embracing his slim one. “But this does bring new questions to mind……..” Thor trailed off looking straight at Loki’s slightly greasy hair, he needed to shower.

“Such as?” Loki asked quietly already fearing he knew the response.

“It was so long ago I doubt you remember” Thor began and Loki did not feel the strength to stop him “When mum and dad had gone out and we were wrestling and you…you kissed me.”

“It was a childhood mistake what does it mean now?” Loki said his voice beginning to rise in anger.

“Was it a mistake Loki? I act as if I have not noticed your glances at me or when you said my name as you pleasured yourself on our first night home nor do I act as if I did not   
join you in pleasure that night.” Loki’s head shot up but Thor continued “You kissed me because you wanted too and I pushed you away because……I wanted you too but you were my brother my blood and it was wrong. But now you are still my brother as you will always be but we are no longer blood.”

“And you expect this too just change everything?” He yelled raising his arms into the air “What of Sigyn and Jane? What of the years I spent torturing myself over this thought you have seem the scars created over you! Do those magically disappear now because I a suddenly worthy of your attention!”

“Loki please do not yell.” Thor cracked out through the tears at the thought of Loki harming himself over him.

“No I will not be quiet I have been dying wanting to tell you this for years and you will fucking listen to every word I have to say!” Thor was brought aback by his brother’s harsh language but remained silent “I love you not as a brother loves another brother but as someone loves a stranger they see in a café fantasizing over your smile your laugh the glow you emulate when you smile but it never meant a damn thing! Captivated by your every move but it never meant anything to you and neither did I! After you caught me with my own hand you moved out both physically and emotionally and I retreated into myself to an extent but you never notice the razors in the bath room the dinners left untouched and where were you? Nowhere! I left the signs everywhere just hoping you would pick up on it but you never did and I was left to my own devices slowly killing myself in front of you because of you! And now my life has once again been turned over and inside out and spat upon you expect none of that to matter? Well fuck you Thor I am not your brother and I never was nor will I ever be! I am still the sick little excuse for a human being I was before standing in the shadow of a person who ended up being nothing but a stranger.”

Loki got up to leave and Thor did not follow him staying thinking if he was really that oblivious to Loki’s pain all these years. He broke down into tears and when no one can to comfort him he began to realize the pain Loki had felt all these years. After his wrenched sobs became soft sniffles he got up to go find Loki and make sure he was okay since they were alone while Frigg and Odin ran last minute errands for the party. 

The first thing Thor spotted was the think trail of blood from the kitchen to Loki’s room and his heart skipped a beat as he ran up to his brothers run busting the door open. Loki looked at him in utter anger at his intrusion but Thor just walked up to him and began examine him. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Loki screamed as Thor began to feel his thigh where he knew the scars to be.

“I saw the blood where have you harmed yourself brother? Is it deep do we need to call Doctor Banner?” Loki rolled his eyes and pushed passed Thor going to sit on his bed.

“I have not harmed myself Thor I tripped going into the kitchen and landed on my face I got a nose bleed and came to my bathroom to clean it up.”

Thor looked at him in relief and said quietly “I was scared you had hurt yourself over me again…” 

Loki threw his head back and laughed harshly “Me? Harm myself over you? You should check your ego if you think you or any Odinson means that much to me now to grow upset over!”

Thor’s heart dropped in his chest and he found himself without words as Loki began to change into his suit for the party. Before he could even think Thor had Loki against the wall holding him up with his thick arm pressed hardly into Loki’s frail chest. Breathing hard he said nothing before leaving his brother to fall against the wall as he stormed out. 

Neither boy saw each other the rest of the evening until the party. Thor was already settled on the couch with Jane who was probing him over what was wrong when Loki entered in a perfectly tailored black suit and green scarf and silk tie. Sigyn was holding onto his arm in a lovely sequin green dress she had masterfully hidden what remained of Loki’s bruises behind cover up and the couple looked wonderful together. Loki all laughs and jokes while Sigyn looked at him lovingly and Thor felt sick to his stomach. Loki’s confidence that night only fell when he looked regrettingly at Thor. As he and Sigyn sat next to the two on the couch for pictures all four faked smiles trying to hide what they really felt. The four switched between sitting and dancing getting a good amount of drunk by the time it was customary to open presents. 

Thor got up first and gave Jane a small purple box with a beautiful heart necklace inside but not staying to see her reaction before he had moved on to give Loki his gift; a beautiful deep green silk pajama set and scarf that would complement his pale skin perfectly. Loki looked up and smiled thanking him softly as he felt the smooth material between his hands. He followed his brother’s example and went to collect two presents from under the tree giving Thor’s his first; a deep red jacket that would highlight his golden hair. Thor smiled widely as a sign of forgiveness to his brother and embraced him tightly, Loki hugged back. Next he moved to sit next to Sigyn and present her with a small a vintage book a copy of English love poems the Frigg had given to him when he was young. She gasped and quickly kissed him a slight blush growing on her cheeks, he smile at her but not in the way he had before though Thor was the only one to notice. Once the girls and Odin and Frigg had given their gifts; a gym equipment bag and new lacrosse equipment for Thor and journals and pen sets for Loki the party began to die down and soon Jane left her frustration at Thor’s lack of affection obvious and Sigyn followed quickly behind her stopping to give Loki a deep kiss before leaving. 

Thor went to his own room that night and Loki did not question the loneliness he felt at his absence while he changed out of his suit into his new pajamas and grabbed the small package he had under his bed before heading to Thors room Thor was in his bathroom so Loki went to sit on the bed waiting for him. When Thor returned to his room nude except for his red shorts Loki stood and offered him a kind smile “I wanted to apologize for earlier it’s just been really rough lately and I lashed out.”

Thor said nothing but hugged him tight before pulling open a drawer in his dresser and getting a small package similar to Lokis out. This was a tradition they had done since they were young, save up all year to buy a secret present for each other without their parents observing so it was more special and give it to them after they had opened all their other presents. They both sat down cross legged on Thor’s bed sitting facing each other. Thor commented on how nice Loki looked in his pajamas and Loki blushed taking his gift from Thor. He opened it and his breath caught in his throat Thor had given him the most beautiful leather bound copy on Hamlet he had ever seen. He looked up at Thor then at his present uncertainly. 

“My gift is not as nice…” He said weakly holding the package to his chest. Thor only smiled and grabbed opening it and his jaw dropping. In his hand was a small notebook filled with Loki’s nice handwriting.

“What is it?” Thor asked never taking his eyes off the book.

“It’s a book of my poems I’ve sent a copy to a publisher and most of them are about you I just thought it was appropriate…” He trailed off rubbing the back of his neck. 

Thor read the first poem and smiled to himself thinking back to when they were young. They had just toured the campus for the first time and were debating job choices, it was the first time Loki mentioned wanting to be a writer but he feared he was not good enough for anyone to buy his books. Thor had sworn to be the first person to buy a copy of all of Loki’s books if he promised to sign them first. Loki smiled and agreed.

When he snapped out of his memory Loki was staring at him nervously chewing his lip and Thor drew him into a kiss Loki was shocked at first but once he relaxed he opened his mouth to Thors tongue and meted into his embrace before pulling apart and falling asleep snuggled into each other on Thor’s bed.


	11. Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?

Chapter Eleven   
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?

Things begin to change in the Odinson house hold. A couple of days after the revealing of Loki’s history, the color began to return to his still pale face, the bruises and bags began to fade away. Even a gentle smile began to show on his slender lips when ever his older “brother” entered a room. Frigg took it as a good sign that her boys were returning back to their normal state of closeness. When they thought no one was around, she noticed playful shoves and childish banter. They ceased when people around, only sharing muffled laughter and up-to-no-good smiles. 

They continued to share a bedroom, spending most of their time together when Jane and Sigyn left to go on shopping sprees in the outlet malls close by. They would spend their mornings in each other’s company, lazily lounging in their sleepwear. Loki would read parts of Hamlet as they sat on Loki’s bed, the window letting a small breeze through. Thor played with the other’s black hair as he watched delicate lips read what seemed like ancient texts. When Loki noticed that the blonde was growing bored, he would place the book down and roll over so that their chests were facing one another. They wouldn’t say anything; just stare until one of them gathered the courage to place a gentle kiss against soft lips. Loki’s hands found blonde hair while Thor’s finger tips memorized every curve and contour of his brother’s body. 

They never went any farther than simple kisses, but they were always full of need and desire. Loki’s years of wanting were put into every kiss; it almost seemed that his very life depended on it. He didn’t want to scare his brother away, but Thor was so innocent and kind that it nearly drove him insane. He loved it, but he wanted so much more. 

And one morning, he had it. Loki had just gotten out of the shower when Thor surprised him and grabbed him, lifting him over his broad shoulder and carrying him across the room. Loki laughed heavily as he begged to be released; his bare chest still wet slipping against the other’s shoulder. “Brother, please!” he said between laughs. Thor didn’t oblige until they were at the bed where he gently flung Loki off onto the mattress. The covers puffed up and Loki’s impact, his hair spreading around his head as he landed. He went to lean up to playfully scold the older man but found his mouth being taken over. Thor’s lips gently crushed against Loki’s, but slowly faded away into something much deeper. Their mouths opened to allow their tongues to fight each other, breathless gasps leaving the younger man’s lips. Their arms struggle to untangle themselves as they reach for each other. Loki’s hands tugged at the clothing blocking his way to his brother’s skin so he continued to tug until his hands were able to graze the chiseled abs beneath. 

Loki’s tight jeans made it hard to get his legs up around the other’s hips, but he forced it until he thought he was going to rip them. Just as both men seemed comfortable in a gentle rocking motion, a knock came from the door. Thor ripped away from his brother and nearly flew to the other side of the room. He preoccupied himself with things on Loki’s dresser, knick-knacks of all sorts which would catch anyone attention. The younger man stayed still on the bed, still slightly confused on how fast his brother could move. He pushed himself up and stood quickly while calling out “Come in.” He continued to dry his hair with a towel he left at the foot of the bed, trying to make it look like the slight haze of sweat was actually just droplets from the shower. When Jane and Sigyn walked in, he relaxed slightly before smiling. They were taking the girls out to walk around the gardens that the family home held. 

With some scolding from Jane, Loki hurried to get ready so that he wouldn’t have to hear her complain anymore. But he made sure to take his time while blow drying his hair, claiming that he didn’t want to catch pneumonia because of her impatience. Thor merely chuckled behind her. 

As they walked around the snowy garden, Loki noticed that Thor seemed slightly off. He couldn’t tell what it was, they had both eaten plenty so he should be full, he slept well since he was in deep sleep by the time Loki had finished reading act three of Hamlet. And they were all bundled up quite well so that the chilled air wouldn’t sneak in between their cloths and their skin. But as he squinted his eyes a bit, he could see a slight blush over his brother’s face. Thor glanced over at his brother but quickly looked away, more heat traveling to his face. Loki had to use all the energy he could muster to not laugh. He could clearly read what was traveling through his brother’s mind, what happened only half an hour before was still taking its toll on Thor’s body. It was lucky that his shirt covered it other wise Jane would have noticed the sudden change in her boyfriend’s pants. 

With Sigyn’s arm wrapped around his, he speed their walk a bit as he past by Thor, “are you feeling alright, brother?” He said with an over concerned tone, “The cold isn’t too much for you is it?” With his free hand, he reached out and gently tapped Thor’s behind with his finger tips. The blonde tensed up and quickly snapped his head towards Loki, a small glare directed at him as he walked by. 

The rest of the day, they spent it with out further interaction. Only a few glances and mischievous smiles as they past each other, but it was hard for both of them not to just drag each other away and recreate the moment they shared in their bedroom. So the next time Thor looked at him, Loki gave him a wink before running of with Sigyn to the lush flower gardens. He anted to know how things would turn out once they returned back to their dorms. He was certain that he would still be with Jane even though it was obvious her constant nagging was wearing on Thor. It made him nervous that there might not be another moment like earlier since they would resume normal life. He wanted things to stay how they were at that very moment, even if they weren’t the most simple of circumstances, he still loved them. 

And as they packed that night, he couldn’t help but to want to stay at his family home forever. It no longer held painful memories of how he was rejected in the past, but held new ones of how he finally earned the affection he had been crying for. He turned and watched his brother as he sat on top of his suitcase in attempt to zip it closed. It was packed to the brim of unfolded clothes and misplaced shoes. Loki squeezed the shirt in his hands slightly before looking down at all the neatly folded clothes in his own suitcase. 

Even if they finally shared a moment, they were still so different. So he couldn’t help that this would be the end of their kisses, the gentle caresses and heart felt laughs. Thor would go back to being his devoted big brother and he would go back to being the silent writer. Now that he had it, he couldn’t imagine what it would be like to loose love. But he had gone through it before, even if it was a little bumpy, he could get through it again. This time, he would be strong and wouldn’t be the rejected Odinson, but the proud Laufyson. He didn’t want to think that he was rejected by both his fathers so he thought of himself as his own person. Just simply, Loki. It made him smile as he closed his suitcase. 

Thor walked up next to him and ruffled his black hair “You seem up to something. Should I be worried?” He laughed as he lay on the bed. Loki’s smile widened as he shook his head before crawling next to his brother and lying on his stomach. 

“Nothing, dear brother. Just thinking to myself” Loki said keeping his gaze away. Thor didn’t argue since he had fallen asleep already. The younger man sighed and rolled over, they were already returning back to normal. Thor never fell asleep while he was talking unless he was drunk and Loki didn’t see him drink anything at dinner so he just assumed that he was just boring. 

The next morning, the brother’s bid there parents farewell, Frigg trying not to cry. She always did when they left to go back to school; she rarely saw them unless she went to the campus which was only to take Odin something. Sigyn said goodbye and said that she’d see them at school in a few more weeks. Loki wasn’t sure if he should be happy or sad about that she would be joining them. Jane certainly was happy; she finally had another female friend besides Sif who she didn’t get along with too well. 

Loki shifted in the back of his seat to look out the rear window of the moving car, seeing Frigg waving while Odin turned to go back inside. But as she turned to leave, he could see two little boys running in the snow, one with blonde hair and the other in black. They tossed snow at one another before turning their heads back to the house and running in. They disappeared before they reached the door, which made Loki shake his head. He had to come to terms with it; he was leaving his childish dreams behind. He couldn’t lock him and his brother away forever just to keep hope that they would end up together. He had to move forward, regardless if Thor was there as a lover, or his brother.


	12. I'm gonna make this place your home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> horrible filler chapter  
> I face planted the road while running and have been all cut and bruised and bloody and since it's right on the joints of my knee and elbow every-time I move they open and it's just been a hassle to do anything lately so I hope you'll excuse this chapter I know it's not my best

Chapter 12

 I'm gonna make this place your home

Once they left, the ride was rather uneventful. Loki drifted in and out of sleep and Thor gently grabbed his brothers’ hand under the safety on their jackets, rubbing reassuring circles over Loki’s knuckles. Loki was unsure of what this meant but he was too lost in his own world to question it. Not to mention, the heat only helped his body relax. Drifting in too a light sleep he was awoken once the car stopped and Thor gently shook his shoulder letting him know they were back at the college. He let out a groan as he lifted himself away from where his head rested and looked out the window. He didn’t want to be back to college, hell; he didn’t want to be awake. He wanted to continue dreaming, at least there everything made sense.

          Loki walked into their dorm and threw his suitcase on the floor with a loud sigh Thor following close behind. Not that Loki noticed as his mind was preoccupied was more pressing matters; like the bathroom. Once he had relieved himself he stared at his own reflection in the mirror for what seemed like hours, surely after everything he had found out over this vacation how much he felt he had changed on the inside surely reflected on the outside.  But everything seemed the same. A little more color was added to his skin, but that was about it. He was no were near as tan as Thor, but his once blanched skin now carried a pinkish hue. It almost made him look human, instead of a corpse, especially since his mother’s plan of fattening up had slightly worked. He still held his lanky disposition, but he noticed that his hip bones didn’t jut out as they used to.  
          Sighing dramatically and dropping his head Loki quickly ran his finger through his long black hair and went back into the room. Thor had put all his cloths back and was hanging Loki’s suit in their closet. Too tired to care about the wrinkles Thor’s clumsy hands were making on the fine fabric, Loki just lay down and pushed his palms into his eyes until he saw stars. As he began to doze off Loki felt his bed shift as Thor lay down next to him wrapping his thick around his loves thin waist.  
          “What are you doing Thor?” Loki asked in-between yawns.  
          “Surely you cannot expect me to sleep alone now” he breathed hot against Lokis neck kissing it softly “Especially after such a nice break.”  
          He knew he should push him away but Loki had not anticipated everything that would happen over break when he swore to distance himself from Thor. Trying to put an end to the million thoughts racing through his mind Loki snuggled closer getting lost in the warmth of the large body next to him.  
          Both boys quickly fell asleep falling into a restless night which both boys hid when they woke sharing a long kiss before dressing and walking to class together. They were halfway there when Thor suddenly pushed Loki into the empty stairwell away from the elevator forcing the leaner man against a wall kissing him roughly in a battle of teeth and tongue. It didn’t take long before Loki was reduced to a moaning mess. Rubbing up and down Loki’s thin thigh before grabbing his firm bottom Thor growled into his neck.  
          “Never doubt how much I want you brother.” Thor purred biting the gentle skin of Loki’s neck. It would leave a mark but Thor could not care less; if he could not show his ownership of Loki outright he would sure as hell let people know he was taken. “Because I do so much it hurts. But there would be too much to explain right now about the…..adoption” Loki cringed at the word but Thor continued “We must carry on as we did before I will go to my friends and you will go to errrrr you will continue as if you still loathed me. But know this I will never have you from my mind you will consume me as much as you are now.”  
          The last part was whispered in his ear and he could not help the yelp that left him when Thor teasingly rubbed Loki’s length. Pulling away before walking down the stairs and Loki would be damned if he did not see Thor shake his ass a little as he did so. Taking a few minutes to catch his breath Loki followed soon after entering the class to see Thor with his usual four goons. Ignoring the wink he sent him Loki went to sit in his usual spot trying to ignore his arousal. This was essentially a useless day as the professor drowned on about what they would do this semester and Loki quickly zoned out until he felt his phone go off in his pocket. It was Sigyn asking if he wanted to join her for lunch. Looking to Thor, who was scribbling something on a paper that was obviously something other than notes, he accepted the invitation and started a casual conversation for nothing more than to have something to do.    
          At long last the class was over and without looking at Thor, Loki quickly left the hall to find Sigyn taking her hand and allowing her to lead him into the lunch hall. They got their meals and quickly sat down talking about their classes went so far and whatever passed through their minds. Loki was instantly at ease with her as he had been before and felt no shame in openly kissing her over the table before they hear a thump next to them. Thor and Jane had sat down next to the couple and the hurt on Thor’s face was palatable.  
          “Will you be home tonight brother?” Loki asked staring at his food as he pushed it around his plate but ate none.  
          “I have a shift until 6 then yes I will be.” He answered giving Loki a warning look to make sure he ate. After a few mouthfuls Loki confirmed that he was working to the same time and both boys agreed to meet at the café for a light dinner before heading back to the room. The rest of the lunch passed in a comfortable silence and soon the four were off to their respective classes.  
          Sigyn quickly kissed Loki good bye but Thor left Jane with only a hug.


	13. It happens in the time it took to look back

Chapter Thirteen

It happens in the time it took to look back

 

     In his last class of the day, Loki was called out by his father. Panic settled in his gut, the old man couldn’t possibly have heard about them in the stair well, could he? He stood and gathered his things, walking past all the gawking eyes, most looked like they were seeing him for the first time.  He was happy that Thor and his friends didn’t share that class with him, he could spare himself whatever explanation they thought they were entitled to.

     He knocked gently on his father’s door before entering; his steps were slow and cautious.  He took a silent breath as he held his head high and puffed his chest out. “I didn’t think I’d see you this soon, father.” The last word felt funny as it left his lips. It sent strange tingles down his throat and made his finger tips numb.

     Odin intertwined his fingers and leaned on the desk, nodding towards the chair in front of his desk. He said nothing until Loki sat down slowly, his green eyes watching him carefully. “I have a proposition for you, Loki.” His son raised a thin eyebrow as his body relaxed slightly. “It’s one I hope you take seriously.”

     When papers crunched together against his long fingers Loki leaned against the wood counter. The travel papers were highlighted with bright yellow, indicating everything he needed to sign. He never thought that his father would give him the chance to study literature abroad. It was an opportunity of a life time, and a rare one at that and going to a University like Yale was his dream. He looked over the transfer student pamphlet and smiled to himself, he could only imagine what kind of writer he would be with proper training. He could make everyone proud and  make everyone who laughed at him hide in shame. There would finally be a book to sign and give to Thor. His body stiffened and he looked at the glass door.

_Thor…_

     He sighed a she entered the book store where he worked and let his head droop as he let the papers fall. He didn’t want to see that look on his brother’s face; that pouty, kicked puppy look. They just had established their relationship and now he was leaving, and within a day at that. But it was what he wanted; he couldn’t let his affections for Thor get in the way. The older man already said they had to be kept a secret since they were still brothers, if not by blood then by ethics. That’s how they were raised so that’s how society was going to continue seeing them as. If Loki came out and said he was in love with his brother, nothing would probably change. But If Thor came out, everything in his perfect life would fall apart, all his friends, sports teams, and the entire school campus would weep. It wouldn’t be Thor’s fault, but Loki’s. He would be the harlot that tempted the golden child into sin.

     He sighed and dropped his head against the counter, making a small thud. No matter what he seemed to do, it was going to put him in a position he didn’t want to be in. But then again, that seemed to be the story of his life.

    The bell above the door jingled and Loki shot up, scooping the papers off the counter and onto the floor beneath his feet. He cleared his throat and leaned up, seeing his brother walk in. He hoped that Thor wouldn’t notice his flustered appearance but then again, he had to tell him anyways. So maybe it would be better to get it over with right away, like ripping off a band-aid. But Thor was happy to see him and after a quick glance around the empty shop, he gave his younger brother a gentle kiss. It made Loki blush slightly and look away, suddenly feeling like he was betraying his brother. He knelt down to gather the spilt papers and sneak them into his back pack before he followed Thor out of the store, locking the door and walked a few feet to the restaurant next door.   

     Loki sat in silence almost the whole meal, listening to Thor. He was always full of so many stories from his job, today, it was someone passing out. Loki gave a few chuckles but for the most part he remained still, the thought of leaving still running through his head. He would be leaving all of it, the casual lunches, and the bizarre storied shared over chicken salads and iced teas; all of it would cease. Several hours ago, he was certain that leaving was what he needed, but as he sat listening to his brother, it grew heavier in his heart.

        Dinner ended somewhat abruptly, leaving Loki in a daze as they walked into the dorm. Thor hadn’t said a word the whole way home and stayed at least an arm’s length apart as they walked back. Loki expected him to at least try and hold his hand, which he was ready to deny, but it never happened.

      “Brother? What’s the ma-“Loki tried but only received a slight slam of the bathroom door. Loki stood in the middle of the room, slightly baffled. He listened to the shower turn on and the slight ruffle of clothes hitting the ground which made him sink onto his bed slowly. He had never been cut off so harshly before, he usually finished his sentences they just went ignored. But now, he sat alone in the cold room, staring at the bathroom door.

     But then the water shut off and there was another ruffle of clothes before the door pushed open again. Loki went to stand in order to demand some kind of explanation when Thor grabbed the back of his neck and forced the distance between them to close. Their lips crushed together almost painfully which made Loki gasp gently even if the sound was muffled by the low growl coming from the blonde. Their lips opened, their tongues darting out to wrestle and thrash against one another. Loki’s hands franticly reached for Thor’s blonde locks and pulled them closer together almost desperately. Heavy gasps and moans escaped their lips as the younger brother fell back against the bed, allowing the older man to crawl on top rub their growing arousals together.

     Thor’s lips left Loki’s and trained kisses and small bites down the slender neck before him. Small gasps left Loki’s lips, his erection twitching slightly every time his skin was pinched between Thor’s teeth.  Thor’s large hands tugged at Loki’s shirt, stretching the loose, black fabric. If it had been at a different time, Loki would have scolded his brother but at the moment he didn’t care if it was torn off him. His skin was practically beginning to be released and feet against his brother’s golden skin.

     Loki’s shirt was pushed up, revealing his abdomen and even more hot kisses that moved down his hip bones. “Why are you torturing me so?” Loki moaned out as his back arched.

     “Why did you torture me today?” Thor responded between nibbles.

 

     Loki’s sounds stopped as his head turned to look down at his brother. His chest heaved as he tried to interpret his brother’s words, “You can’t possibly mean Sigyn?”

 

     Thor brought his head up, staying silent at first. He roughly removed Loki’s shirt, letting it fall from his finger tips to the floor. He stayed on his knees in front of Loki, who lifted himself up on his elbows “you…” the younger man started, “you said act like nothing happened! I’m doing exactly what you told me to do! Just because you can’t seem to stand your own relationship doesn’t mean I can’t make mine work!”

 

     “What relationship? You don’t even like Sigyn!” Thor retorted, grabbing Loki’s arm and pulling him up “You said all you’ve wanted is me; that I’m the one who haunts your dreams. Not her.”

 

     Loki looked up through his displaced hair which had fallen past his brow. He knew that his brother spoke the truth that the sleep induced confessions were spoken earnestly and though they were being used against him now, he wouldn’t take them back. His green eyes dropped to Thor’s chest; there was no way he could look him in the eye now.

 

     “Prove it to me.”  Loki’s gaze was brought back up at the elder’s words. Clear blue eyes searched desperately for some kind of answer, some reassurance that all of their efforts weren’t for nothing. And when Loki nodded gently, he leaned back in and kissed him gently. Thin finger’s gripped the blonde’s shirt gently, a small tremble to them. Pale lips leaned against his ear; Loki’s demand was said in a whisper, barley audible even though it was pressed against Thor’s ear.

 

     _“Make love to me…”_

     Thor couldn’t get their clothes off fast enough, leaving Loki surprised and somewhat lost in the quick shuffle of clothes. His heart suddenly began speeding up as he laid back, taking in all of his brother’s glory. They hadn’t seen each other naked since they were about 9 and 10. At that point, Thor thought it was weird to continue bathing with his brother. But now as they stared at each other, the rush to get down to making love ceased. Loki had never lain with anyone and Thor never with a man.

 

     A smile found its way to Thor’s lips, which made the tension in the other man’s body release slightly. Loki took a deep breath and gently rolled onto his stomach.

 

     “But Loki, I want to see your face.” Thor said running a hand down the other’s spine.

 

     “No!” Loki groaned out as Thor’s hand found its way down his rear, “Please, just this time.” He never wanted to admit it to Thor, that he was actually afraid of intimacy. Even when it was just with himself it made him feel funny, but now he didn’t have that strange feeling.

    

     He reached up and grabbed hold of the head board to brace himself for the pain he knew was coming; he closed his eyes tight and waited. They didn’t stay closed long; they shot open once he felt the slight sting of his body being invaded. Thick fingers quickly probing him before something much bigger entered. A small cry left his lips which made Thor stop. And after a moment Loki gave him the okay to continue until his brother was sheathed inside him completely.  Ragged breaths and shaky whimpers came from the two as Thor leaned over, resting his hands over Loki’s.

 

     Loki gave a small nod before looking over his shoulder with a teary smile. Thor pulled back which received surprised gasps, before thrusting back against his brother. The thrusts continued to be gentle which Loki was alright with until he felt his body ease itself around the thickness of his brother. His moans grew louder and he pushed back against the blonde in order to get a better effect. Thor took the hint and pushed in harder and faster, collecting more moans along the way.

 

     The bed hit the wall, causing the little things hanging to rattle and shake with every thrust. Loki arched his sweat coated back against Thor, causing his hips to reposition. And with a quick thrust, something inside him spiked, that wonderful spot he heard so much about was found. He screamed out and threw his head back, his black locks uncovering his face and rested at his shoulders. His eyes rolled back as Thor continued to hit the spot, his control slowly slipping. He cried out as loud as he could, not caring if the whole campus heard them. They would know the truth at that point that the beloved Odinsons were busy ravishing each other and that no one could match their lust.  Loki smiled at the thought as he continued to cry out, If only that could be the truth.

 

     He felt a heat coil in his stomach, it made his abdomen tighten and his mouth drop open. He reached back and pulled on Thor’s hair slightly, “Thor, I—“Thor tipped his head back so that their lips met. The blonde reached down and took hold of Loki’s member and began pumping roughly.

 

     Loki felt the control completely break as he screamed out his brother’s name, his seed splashing onto the bed beneath him. He felt Thor’s arms tighten around him, something warm spilling into him. They stayed there for a good while, trying to catch their breath. Loki closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the sent man behind him. He couldn’t believe after years of dreaming, they were finally joined.

 

    It was around three in the morning when they finally had their fill of one another. Loki joked that they had probably kept the whole building up with their noise, in which Thor only acknowledged with a chuckle. The man was obviously too tired to think of a clever answer, his eyes were already closed and lips slightly parted to let in his deep breaths. Loki smiled before he moved to go shower, he didn’t want to have to board the lane smelling like sex, but a heavy arm rested on his waist.

 

    Thor pulled him close, “Don’t leave, brother,” he said nuzzling his nose in Loki’s side, “I want you to be there when I wake.” His words dozed off as sleep claimed him fully. Loki nodded, even though he knew he wouldn’t receive an answer and settled back into the bed.  He looked around the dark room; he would only have a few hours of sleep in order to have time to pack all his things. It would be far too early for Thor to be awake…

 

     Loki woke around six, his body protesting when he pushed himself to get ready. He looked down at his lover, who was still fast asleep on the far side of the bed. Loki already missed the arm that was so secure around his waist when he first fell asleep. He gently brushed some stray hairs away from the older man’s face, relishing every moment their skin touched. It was hard to keep himself from crying, he would miss this so much. And as easy as it was to say he would stay home, he knew that further in his life he would regret not going. So he took a deep breath and pulled himself away from the bed.

 

     Loki stood in his room for the last time for what could be a couple years, depending on how hard he worked. His side was completely empty except for maybe a few trinkets he didn’t really need. But then again, it wasn’t empty; Thor was still lying in his bed asleep. Loki knelt down, making sure that his scarf didn’t hit his brother. “Good bye, Thor.” He gently kissed the other’s forehead before turning to his suitcases. As he shut the door, he made sure to watch through the crack of the door to make sure the man stayed still. He couldn’t stand the thought of Thor seeing him cry again.

 

     Thor’s eyes opened so that the sunlight wouldn’t blind him. He stretched his arms out before letting them fall to his sides. He smiled before rolling onto his side, “Good morning, Loki.” The name slipped off his tongue like molasses as he looked at the empty space next to him. For a second, he thought that his brother could just be in the bathroom, but something didn’t feel right. The room felt cold; distant. He sat up and looked around seeing the empty shelves and open drawers. He stood and pulled some clothes on before looking closer. He knew he wasn’t going crazy; Loki’s things were there just the night before. But everything precious to the younger man was no where to be found. Except himself, he was left alone in their makeshift home. He felt his heart stop for a moment before he reached up to make sure it truly was beating. He watched the door, expecting Loki to jump in and claim it was just a joke that he was going to stay by his side no matter what. But it wasn’t happening.

 

     He rushed out the door and made a mad dash through campus. He desperately wanted to find some hint that Loki left him. But before he could pursue, he found Jane sitting with a crying Sigyn under a tree. He walked up quickly “Have you seen Loki?”

 

     Sigyn bit her lip but only lead to more tears falling down her face. Jane glared up a Thor and gave the other woman’s shoulder a squeeze before getting up and pulling Thor away. “Couldn’t you be more sensitive?” she said crossing her arms.

 

     “I merely asked where Loki was.” He stated.

 

     “Yeah, that’s the problem. He just broke up with her before he left” She shrugged lightly “I mean it makes sense to break up since he’s going to America for who knows how long.”

 

     “America?” Thor said “He’s not traveling anywhere, why would you say that?” Jane looked at her boyfriend with a raised eyebrow. She dropped her arms and cleared her throat.

 

     “He’s studying abroad. He just left for his flight.” Her face showed the concern that was welling up in her gut, “Thor? What’s wrong?”  With out an answer, Thor turned and ran off. He could hear his name being called out behind him, but it made no difference to him. He had to get his brother back.

 

          The blonde pulled his phone out and dialed his brother’s number while he checked the flights. There was only one that was going to straight to America and he could only guess that was the one Loki chose. He hated to have connecting flights since he thought it was waste of time. And the flight was the only one leaving at that time, but the word _departing_ seemed to mock him in his head. From behind the thick glass window next to the screen, a roar of an engine echoed through out the airport. It made Thor turn and stare at it as it pulled out onto the run way. He watched it speed off before pushing itself into the air. The roar faded into the distance and his hand dropped, letting the phone fall to the ground.

 

     A small click came from his phone, signaling the call went unanswered which was followed by a beep, as the voice mail message came on.

 

_“This is Loki. If you’re leaving a message it better be important and under 10 words. And if it’s Thor, it’s called a text.”_


	14. If you look hard enough an ending is just a segway to a new beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been a long crazy ride and Kayla and I send you are biggest thanks for taking it with us!  
> Thank you for staying with us! Much love~ <3-Kayla

Chapter 14

If you look hard enough an ending is just a segway to a new beginning  

 

It had been a long few years since Thor had seen his brother in person.  His exchange was only supposed to be for a year but Odin gladly extended it when Loki asked him too.  Loki’s time in the prestigious New England colleges had done him well. He quickly was picked up by a local school publisher then a larger one until he finally had a book in every bookstore in the nation.

                Thor know not of what it was about nor could he bring himself to care, Loki had caused him so much pain and while Thor was truly happy that his brother had finally gotten what he wanted out of his life but he could not bring himself to celebrate for him. When Loki had left, he took a large part of Thor’s heart with him that he just could not seem to fill again. Jane quickly fell out of it after Loki’s departure, they remained friends but it would never be the same, even after graduation. Yet even after landing his dream job of helping mentally disabled children regain movement through exercise, he could not find a constant happiness in his life as he had before. He fell into himself choosing only to have communication with his parents, which too disappeared when Thor moved out and truly made a hermit of himself. Sif and his other friends reached out but the calls went unanswered, texts unread.

                He could not remember how long it had been since he last talked to his mother when she showed up at his door unannounced but he did not have the energy to feel guilty over it and instead showed her to the kitchen and put the kettle on.   

                “I do not pretend to know the nature of yours and your brothers relationship but nor do I allow myself to be naive enough to pretend it is simply caring for your sibling.” She said casually sipping and looking at her blonde son over the rim of her mug.

                Thor sputtered and unable to figure out what to say sat there for a few minutes doing a wonderful impersonation of a fish taken out of water.  Unable to meet his mother’s eyes as he wondered just how thick the walls of their old room was and how much they both knew of Loki’s and his relationship. Had that been why they had been so willing to send him off? Did Loki even want to go or was he forced? Is that why he never said good bye?

                As if reading his mind Frigg grabbed his larger hand gently “Loki left of his own accord, darling.” Thor felt his heart drop once again “This was a very big opportunity for him and he could not afford to let it go after he worked so hard for it. But rest assured it was not an easy one for him to make, I do not know the reason for his leaving without saying good bye but I imagine it was just because he would not have been able to leave once he saw the distraught it would surely have brought you.”

                Thor tried to understand but only ended up tearing up at her words rubbing gingerly at his eyes while Frigg stood and rubbed soothing circles onto his back.

                “I cared for him so much mother and he just left he hasn’t even called or written once since he vanished.” Thor sobbed out head in hands.

                “I know my son, I know” Frigg rubbed slightly harder on her sons muscular back “As good as this choice has been for him I think he’s regretted it since the moment he signed that paperwork.  I like to believe he has chosen not to make contact with us because of the pain it would bring him to think of what he left behind. That he is so far away from his family and loved ones. But he has not gone totally without contact….” She trailed off and Thor looked her deep in the eyes noticing that Loki’s departure had not just affected him but the great toll it had had on his mother as a few more wrinkles appeared then last time and her usually perfect hair was just a little too out of place.  But she looked straight back at him and continued “he called last night. He has graduated now and they are building a publishing press about 10 miles from here so he will be returning tomorrow evening. I hope you will see him.”

                She finished and stood; hope glowing in her eyes as she looked at Thor still sitting with his head put back into his hands. “I will try mother but I can promise nothing.” He prayed that she didn’t notice the slight tremor that his hands had; he wasn’t ready to admit that he was terrified.

                Frigg shook her head understandingly though Thor could not see it and gently patted his hair before placing something on the kitchen table and taking her leave.  If Thor noticed he took no action on it and instead sat lost in thought over what his mother had said. He was sure Loki had his reasons and he knew he would forgive him the moment he saw his brother but what he did not know was if he was ready for that or not.

                After what seemed like hours Thor stood to make himself dinner and bypassed the table without a thought failing to notice what was on it before eating and throwing himself into bed. He slept harder that night then he had since Loki left and woke feeling the relief of a full night only to matched by the terror of Loki sitting on his windowsill.

                “You did not come to the airport” Loki tried to hide the hurt in his voice and looked out the window “Mother said it has been hard on you since I left and I apologize.”

                “You did not say goodbye” Was the only reply Thor could get out as he stood and dressed away from Loki’s line of vision.  He caught a glimpse of his brother from the corner of his eye. He looked good, maybe even a little better than before he left. His body held a healthy figure, at least which meant he was eating properly. But it was in his eyes that nearly made Thor stop what he was doing and turn to look at them. They were a brilliant green that shone brighter than any gem he’d ever seen. He had to tear his gaze away so he didn’t do anything stupid.

                “Thor please let me explain” Loki started but was quickly interrupted by Thor announcing that he was going to start breakfast if Loki wanted any and rushed into the kitchen. Finally noticing what Frigg had left on the table.  A small box in plain brown wrapping, Thor opened it and nearly dropped it once he saw what was inside. A book, Loki’s book.

_The Secrets They Shared._

                Thor was too distracted by the beautiful red wording and the green cover to notice Loki sneak behind him until he grabbed his waist.

“Have you read it brother?” He asked nervously reminding Thor of when he used to come to Loki to proofread his essays in school.

“No, not yet.”

“Look in the cover brother…please” Loki hid his head behind Thor’s shoulder and the large muscle behind it moved to open the book and a short gasp left Thor as he read the dedication.

 

_Thor~_

_I am sorry for what I have done_

_It will not be easy to rebuild_

_But it will be worth it_

                Thor felt a tear fall loosely down his bearded cheek but could not bring himself to care as he swung around to look Loki straight in the eyes. Loki opened his mouth as to explain but had no chance as Thor took him into a bruising kiss that Loki was only too happy to return. All the angry and resentment of the last few years fell out into the kiss as the boys bruised each other’s lips and lightly cried. This lasting for unknown minutes until Loki pulled away to breath and Thor embraced him into a tight hug because Loki was right.

               _ **It would not be easy to mend what has been broken, but it will be worth it.**_


End file.
